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The post 10 Essential Items To Put In Your Fallout Shelter Today appeared first on The Babylon Bee.

KYIV—After successfully equipping the Ukrainians with Starlink terminals to help them access the internet amid waves of Russian cyberattacks, Elon Musk announced he was also delivering a special surprise to help Ukraine defend their nation. 

The post Elon Musk Airdrops New Flamethrower-Equipped Cybertanks Into Ukraine appeared first on The Babylon Bee.

WASHINGTON, D.C.—The White House has announced President Joe Biden will be skipping out on this year's State of the Union address, which will instead feature a 90-minute broadcast of a dumpster engulfed in flames. Both houses of congress are expected to assemble as usual as the raging dumpster fire roars into a microphone.

The post State Of The Union Will Just Be 90-Minute Broadcast Of Dumpster Engulfed In Flames appeared first on The Babylon Bee.

WASHINGTON, D.C.—Beloved health expert Dr. Fauci has made his way into the spotlight again—this time with new recommendations for keeping safe during a nuclear strike should Putin do the unthinkable. 

The post To Protect Against Nuclear Fallout, Dr. Fauci Recommends Wearing Three Masks appeared first on The Babylon Bee.

SEATTLE—Local woman Katie Chambers sat down to brunch with her friends at a popular vegan cafe in downtown Seattle where they gossiped about men, sex, and the land invasion of Ukraine by Russian forces.

The post 'World War 3 Is Really Stressing Me Out,' Woman Tells Girlfriends Over Brunch appeared first on The Babylon Bee.

NORWAY—In thrilling news for supporters of Ukraine on the internet, the Nobel Committee has announced that everyone who has bravely added a Ukrainian flag to their social media profile will now be awarded the Nobel Peace Prize.

The post Report: Everyone Who Adds Ukrainian Flag To Profile Pic To Receive Nobel Peace Prize appeared first on The Babylon Bee.

WASHINGTON, D.C.—Joe Biden has announced that he will be replacing liberal Justice Stephen Breyer with Katanji Jackson when he retires. Biden added that they will not be holding Supreme Court nomination hearings as has been done in the past, since we already know her race and gender.

The post Biden Skips Supreme Court Nomination Hearings For Ketanji Brown Jackson Since We Already Know Her Race And Gender appeared first on The Babylon Bee.

WASHINGTON, D.C.—After learning of Ukrainian plans to launch a counterattack outside Kyiv, General Milley did the honorable thing and immediately called the Kremlin to give Putin a friendly heads-up.

The post General Milley Calls Russia To Warn Them Of Ukrainian Counter-Attack appeared first on The Babylon Bee.

TAIPEI CITY—Having watched as Russian tanks rolled through Ukraine while nobody came rushing to their defense, the Taiwanese government today released an official statement acknowledging that they are "totally screwed". 

The post Taiwan Issues Official Statement: 'Lol We Are So Screwed' appeared first on The Babylon Bee.

MOSCOW—Russian radar operators monitoring the situation in Ukraine reported two mysterious large circles in the city of Kyiv earlier this morning. After some investigation, Russian intelligence concluded they were not military formations or aircraft, but simply Ukrainian President Volodymyr Zelensky's massive balls.

The post Mysterious Large Circles On Russian Radar Turn Out To Be President Zelensky's Massive Testicles appeared first on The Babylon Bee.