Brought to you by  WESTMINSTER, CA—Stating that he has been feeling deeply convicted of his Christian responsibility to care for orphans, widows, and others in great need, local man Will Cushing recommitted himself to donate 30 or 40 positive thoughts per month to the poor and needy, sources confirmed. “We can’t just sit idly by […]

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FORT WAYNE, IN—Stating he was attempting to defend the faith that was “once for all delivered to the saints,” local believer Jared Wells recently pretended he was not at home as a pair of friendly Mormon missionaries knocked on his door, sources confirmed Tuesday. “We have to engage those who are trapped in man-made, legalistic […]

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ATLANTA, GA—After getting into yet another argument on Facebook Monday morning, local believer Hank Richert found himself blocked by several of his friends and family members, but the 32-year-old Christian was still unable to figure out if this new wave of persecution was because of his firm faith in Jesus, or because of the fact […]

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LAKESIDE, CA—A team of rescue specialists from the Lakeside Fire Department confirmed Monday they had managed to extract a Baptist family that had recently welcomed a newborn son into the world from a massive avalanche of casseroles, apparently piled up on their house from tens of thousands of meal train participants over the past several […]

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WASHINGTON, D.C.—According to a startling new report issued by the Environmental Protection Agency, the nation’s precious supplies of chill have become dangerously close to being depleted, and may run out entirely before the end of next month. “We basically have no chill,” EPA Director Gina McCarthy told reporters at an emergency press conference. “We’re not […]

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ATLANTIC CITY, NJ—Local woman Megan Varner had been complaining of abdominal pain, bloating, and nausea for several months, prompting her doctors to examine her abdomen using advanced ultrasound technology. What they found stunned them, and sent shockwaves rippling through the medical community. “The patient had a large, functioning organ that seemed to be rapidly developing […]

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Scottsdale, AZ—While browsing the internet from his home office Friday morning, local man Robert Miller reportedly became excited upon discovering an announcement under the “Events” section of Discovery Community Church’s website which confirmed an upcoming 2009 church picnic. “Picnic this week, eh?” Miller reportedly said to himself as he leaned back in his computer chair. […]

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BOSTON, MA—Inspired by a recent sermon preached by his pastor, local man Bill Timmons spent most of Thursday afternoon scouring the narrative covering David’s confrontation with Goliath in the book of 1 Samuel, but was somehow unable to find any mention of himself in the story, sources confirmed. “Let’s see, David, Saul, Goliath, Philistines—still nothing […]

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ROANOKE, VA—While flipping through the book of Revelation Thursday morning, xenophobic believer Ben Hartford was reportedly triggered by the description of the great multitude worshiping the Lamb in Chapter 7 of the prophetic book at the end of the New Testament. “A countless multitude from every nation…” he read aloud, a sense of anxiety building in […]

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1.) Left Behind: The Movie — A slick, subtle satire on premillennial eschatology, Left Behind is an absolute masterwork of the comedy genre. Kirk Cameron takes on the role of ambitious journalist Cameron “Buck” Williams, and plays it with a pitch-perfect deadpan tone, highlighting the absurdity of the plot and dialogue. Featuring intentionally terrible acting and […]

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