U.S.—Baptists across the nation excitedly prepared to ring in the new year with their finest bottles of apple cider.

The post Baptists Prepare To Celebrate New Year With Finest Bottle Of Sparkling Apple Cider appeared first on The Babylon Bee.

U.S.—As the end of the year rapidly approaches, the nation's churches are scrambling to upgrade their computers for Y2K compliance.

The post Nation's Churches Scramble To Upgrade To Y2K-Compliant Computers appeared first on The Babylon Bee.

SOUTH BEND, IN—2020 Democratic presidential hopeful and local mayor Pete Buttigieg recently recommended "decriminalizing crime."

The politician lovingly referred to as "Mayor Pete" (since no one knows how to pronounce his last name) has a track record for breaking norms. He started by suggesting simply decriminalizing drugs, but quickly realized that might not be enough to get him the coveted prison inmate vote. "It's time we let go of our old-fashioned, bigotted ideas about what's ok and what's not. As Jesus once said, 'everyone should do what is right in their own eyes."

"We need to fix this unjust system that imprisons murderers, rapists, drug dealers, human traffickers, and other people following their dreams. America was built on the values of the lust of the flesh, the lust of the eyes, and the pride of life. If we tell criminals they can't commit a crime, we are telling them not to be who they are just to save a few 'innocent' people. We have to stop putting society before individuals."

As an openly gay man in an age of intolerance, Buttigieg knows what it is like to be despised for doing something considered taboo. Standing up for people clearly in the wrong has been Pete's song from the beginning, and his tune hasn't changed. It just keeps getting louder. 

The Indiana mayor further made the incredible claim that by decriminalizing crime "we can bring crime down to 0%."

The post Buttigieg Calls For Decriminalizing Crime appeared first on The Babylon Bee.

U.S.—The nation's media outlets announced they were grieving today as an armed citizen stopped a mass shooting.

The post Media Disappointed To Learn Armed Citizen Stopped Mass Shooting appeared first on The Babylon Bee.

U.S.—With campaign contributions down 30% in the last quarter, you might think it’s time for Elizabeth Warren to throw in the tomahawk. But not this brave Native American warrior!

The post Elizabeth Warren Opens Casino To Help Finance Campaign appeared first on The Babylon Bee.

EL PASO, TX—An El Paso man reportedly came down from a "totally crazy" acid trip where he hallucinated that he ran for president.

The post El Paso Man Comes Down From Insane Acid Trip Where He Hallucinated That He Ran For President appeared first on The Babylon Bee.

SAN FRANCISCO, CA—The dogs of San Francisco have announced a citywide cleanup initiative, in which the canines will carry little plastic bags with them wherever they go in order to clean up the massive dumps humans keep leaving on the sidewalk.

The post San Francisco Dogs Begin Bagging People Poop appeared first on The Babylon Bee.

WORLD—The UN Panel on Outrage Change has confirmed the worst: global levels of outrage may reach the point of no return in 2020.

The post Experts Warn Global Outrage Levels May Reach Point Of No Return In 2020 appeared first on The Babylon Bee.

Listen to this episode on our podcast page or subscribe using your favorite podcast platform here. 

The post Podcast #29: Follow Your Heart And Other Hollywood Lies appeared first on The Babylon Bee.

U.S.—Biblical scholars from the nation's top divinity schools now believe Jesus ignored the gold, frankincense, and myrrh brought by the Magi and simply played with the boxes that the gifts came in. 

The post Scholars Now Believe Jesus Ignored Magi's Gifts, Just Played With The Boxes They Came In appeared first on The Babylon Bee.