Go back, in your mind, to the worst date you have ever had. There you are, using a napkin to tie a tourniquet around your leg under the table, trying desperately to take your mind anywhere but the inescapable train wreck unfolding in front of you. That's the closest you can come to understanding what it's like watching Amazon's billion-dollar project The Rings of Power.

SACRAMENTO — Governor Gavin Newsom announced Wednesday that he would be requiring all cars in the state of California to be fully wind-up by 2035. Experts agree that wind-up vehicles will put less strain on the state's weak power grid and help cut back on childhood obesity.

Amazon Studios just ruined Tolkien with The Lord of the Rings: The Rings of Power but you'd better buckle up, bucko, because it ain't over yet.

BOSTON, MA — According to a study by the Institute for the Advancement of Birthing Persons (the IABP), there has been a steep increase in women delaying actual birthing until they are out of college, employed, settled down, infertile, and dead.

BETHESDA, MD — With 2022 midterm elections nearing, President Biden spoke at a Maryland political rally to an audience of thousands eager to see if he was still alive. The president's speech was not without gaffes, however, and at one point a giant shepherd's crook slowly emerged from offstage as he began another racist story.

U.S. — Engineers demonstrated a brand-new federally approved voting booth Friday that will showers money on occupants when they vote Democrat. The booth is reportedly part of a planned initiative by President Joe Biden to prevent future elections from being stolen.

WASHINGTON, D.C — Rumors are swirling after multiple sightings of the recently retired Chief Medical Advisor to the President, Dr. Fauci, in the back of dark allies. Witnesses claim that Dr. Fauci has been spotted wearing a trenchcoat and trying to hawk off vaccines to anyone nearby.

WASHINGTON, D.C. — The U.S. government issued a statement vowing to find out who was responsible for giving out all of these predatory U.S. government loans that have caused so much financial harm to hard-working Americans.

U.S. — President Joe Biden was recently allowed out of his basement to give the American people an important, and timely message that they have no hope of overthrowing the government without any F-15s. The President insisted this, despite less than 2 years ago by his own account the government was in fact overthrown by some unarmed guy wearing a buffalo hat.

SALEM, OR — Foothill Unified School District has expelled student Casey Whitman after she hatefully held up a mirror to her teacher, Mx. Jen Littleton, reflecting Littleton's deranged rant on gender identity, pronouns, and sex changes.