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Non-Denominational Church Exposed As Undercover Baptists

8/31/2017

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August 31, 2017 at 03:17PM from The Babylon Bee
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JUNIPER HILLS, AZ—Leadership at Journey Community Church reluctantly confirmed Thursday that their purportedly non-denominational church was in fact just a thinly disguised Baptist congregation. The church was exposed after a church banner hung to conceal the remains of the church’s old Baptist name peeled off during a recent rainstorm, revealing the words “First Baptist Church” […]

. . . finish reading Non-Denominational Church Exposed As Undercover Baptists.


via The Babylon Bee
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Church Bassist Of Ten Years Just Random Guy Who Wandered Up On Stage

8/31/2017

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August 31, 2017 at 12:28PM from The Babylon Bee
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HILLSBORO, OR—According to sources from within Solid Foundations Church, the long-standing worship team bassist of ten years was actually just a random guy who wandered up on the stage one day pretending like he knew what he was doing. The man picked up the then-vacant church house bass and plucked completely random notes on the […]

. . . finish reading Church Bassist Of Ten Years Just Random Guy Who Wandered Up On Stage.


via The Babylon Bee
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Progressives Appalled As Christians Affirm Doctrine Held Unanimously For 2000 Years

8/30/2017

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August 30, 2017 at 02:37PM from The Babylon Bee
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U.S.—After numerous prominent Christians and everyday believers alike signed the Nashville Statement affirming basic Christian doctrine held with rare exception for 2,000 years, progressives across the nation flooded the internet in droves to voice their horror and disgust at the shocking set of beliefs. “I can’t believe these people would just come out and blatantly […]

. . . finish reading Progressives Appalled As Christians Affirm Doctrine Held Unanimously For 2,000 Years.


via The Babylon Bee
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Surgeon Generals Warning To Be Stamped On All Bibles Starting Next Year

8/30/2017

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August 30, 2017 at 12:49PM from The Babylon Bee
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U.S.—In an effort to make sure the public is educated about the drastic effects the Word of God may have upon its readers, the FDA has announced that beginning next year, all new Bibles sold in America must be stamped with a warning from the Surgeon General which notifies them that “Bible Reading Can Cause […]

. . . finish reading Surgeon General’s Warning To Be Stamped On All Bibles Starting Next Year.


via The Babylon Bee
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Jim Bakker Warns That All Six Of His Followers Will Start Civil War If Trump Impeached

8/30/2017

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August 30, 2017 at 10:12AM from The Babylon Bee
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BLUE EYE, MO—In a stern warning to anti-Trumpers nationwide, televangelist Jim Bakker warned on his show Tuesday that all six people who are somehow still following him will “come out of the shadows” and start a civil war if President Trump happens to be impeached. “If [Trump is impeached], I predict that every single one […]

. . . finish reading Jim Bakker Warns That All Six Of His Followers Will Start Civil War If Trump Impeached.


via The Babylon Bee
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Worship Leader Gets Supplemental Gig Following Pastor Around Quietly Picking His Guitar

8/29/2017

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August 29, 2017 at 02:53PM from The Babylon Bee
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DANA POINT, CA—Claiming the new gig will help pay the bills, worship leader Oscar “Octave” Anderson confirmed Tuesday his new supplemental after-hours job following Pastor Bill around and quietly picking his guitar at key moments in the pastor’s work and home life. Anderson has been instructed to slowly build into a touching guitar piece whenever […]

. . . finish reading Worship Leader Gets Supplemental Gig Following Pastor Around Quietly Picking His Guitar.


via The Babylon Bee
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Churchgoer Arrives Five Days Early To Claim Favorite Seat

8/29/2017

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August 29, 2017 at 12:30PM from The Babylon Bee
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FONTANA, CA—Churchgoer Randy Atwell arrived to Porter Avenue Baptist Church five days before Sunday service started in order to save his favorite seat, sources confirmed. Atwell pulled into the parking lot at 8 a.m. sharp Tuesday, securing an excellent parking spot before strolling into the sanctuary and plopping down in his favorite location, to leave […]

. . . finish reading Churchgoer Arrives Five Days Early To Claim Favorite Seat.


via The Babylon Bee
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Joel Osteen Sails Luxury Yacht Through Flooded Houston To Pass Out Copies Of Your Best Life Now

8/29/2017

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August 29, 2017 at 10:19AM from The Babylon Bee
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HOUSTON, TX—Although Joel Osteen took flak over the weekend for closing up his church to flood victims and all but disappearing during the aftermath of Hurricane Harvey, the megachurch pastor reportedly returned to the city on his luxury yacht “S.S. Blessed” to make amends Tuesday by tossing copies of Your Best Life Now to stranded […]

. . . finish reading Joel Osteen Sails Luxury Yacht Through Flooded Houston To Pass Out Copies Of ‘Your Best Life Now’.


via The Babylon Bee
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Man With Pickup Truck Informed He Has Spiritual Gift Of Helping People Move Every Weekend

8/28/2017

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August 28, 2017 at 02:57PM from The Babylon Bee
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MANCHESTER, NH—After his old Honda Civic finally crapped out on him, local man Pete Herbert recently bought a used Toyota Tacoma, prompting leaders at his church to almost immediately declare that he has the spiritual gift of helping people move every single weekend. “Pete, you clearly have the spiritual gift of helping people move all […]

. . . finish reading Man With Pickup Truck Informed He Has Spiritual Gift Of Helping People Move Every Weekend.


via The Babylon Bee
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Conor McGregor Nursing Head Wound With Giant Stack Of Money

8/28/2017

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August 28, 2017 at 12:30PM from The Babylon Bee
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LAS VEGAS, NV—Sources in the Conor McGregor camp confirmed Monday that the champion MMA fighter and 0-1 professional boxer was nursing his head wounds with a giant stack of money as he recovered from the big “Money Fight” against undefeated boxer Floyd Mayweather. “McGregor is resting up, rehydrating, and holding large sums of cold, hard […]

. . . finish reading Conor McGregor Nursing Head Wound With Giant Stack Of Money.


via The Babylon Bee
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