WASHINGTON, D.C.—Hillary Clinton has been hired to give a keynote speech. The topic? Winning elections.

The post Hillary Clinton To Give Keynote Speech On Winning Elections appeared first on The Babylon Bee.

PALM BEACH, FL—Local church introvert Frank Boggins was visiting Shire Christian Church this past Sunday, enjoying the service from the back row, when he heard the dreaded words from the pulpit: "Why don't we all take a few minutes and shake the hands of a hundred or so people around us?"

The post Introvert Puts On Mysterious Ring Of Power To Escape Detection During Church Greeting Time appeared first on The Babylon Bee.

MEXICO CITY—Trump recently announced new tariffs against Mexican products. Mexico was quick to retaliate by declaring a 50% increase in the spiciness of hot sauce shipped to the United States.

The post Mexico Retaliates Against New Tariffs By Increasing Spiciness Of Hot Sauce appeared first on The Babylon Bee.

PALO ALTO, CA—A new missionary dating app has been launched by a startup company in Silicon Valley. 

The post New Missionary Dating App Will Pair You With A Hot Unbeliever To Convert appeared first on The Babylon Bee.

ATLANTA, GA—In further backlash against Georgia’s heartbeat bill, which bans abortion after a fetal heartbeat is detected, the Canaanite god Moloch says he will reconsider his presence in Georgia if the bill goes into effect.

The post Moloch Says He May Rethink Presence In Georgia If Anti-Abortion Bill Goes Into Effect appeared first on The Babylon Bee.

Let's face facts. The "manliness" you hear old people talking about is outdated and tired. It's time to move on from the prehistoric concepts of masculinity and onto the new way to be male. Here are 12 things considered "manly" that are now woefully obsolete. Along with each, we've proposed a better, more up-to-date alternative. 

The post 12 Obsolete Manly Activities And What You Can Replace Them With appeared first on The Babylon Bee.

BURBANK, CA—Disney's CEO, Bob Iger, has come out swinging against Georgia's restrictive abortion laws. He says that he may need to move filming locations out of state to avoid immoral, perverted, depraved people like Georgians. Instead, he says all film projects planned for Georgia will be moved back to Hollywood.

The post Disney CEO: 'To Avoid Filming Among Depraved, Immoral People, We Are Moving All Our Georgia Operations Back To Hollywood' appeared first on The Babylon Bee.

MOON, PA—Local pastor Henry Patters has been in ministry for several years, and he's still not quite sure how he managed to land such a sweet gig where he only has to work an hour a week.

The post Pastor Still Not Sure How He Landed This Sweet Job Where He Only Has To Work One Hour A Week appeared first on The Babylon Bee.

WASHINGTON, D.C.—Representative Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez has become known for her casual, down-to-earth demeanor while hosting Instagram Live videos. One time, she assembled some Ikea furniture while calling for the masses to seize the means of production, while another time, she was seen baking while discussing the impending doom of the world.

The post Ocasio-Cortez Hosts Instagram Live Video While Casually Assembling 12-Piece Paw Patrol Puzzle appeared first on The Babylon Bee.

MELVILLE, NY—Canon is now including a certificate indicating you are a professional photographer with all of their cameras that cost at least $599, sources confirmed Thursday.

The post Canon Now Including 'Professional Photographer' Certificate With All Cameras Costing At Least $599 appeared first on The Babylon Bee.