Churches used to just play hymns on Sunday. And churches used to be totally lame. Nowadays, you’ve really got to entertain the sheep with some lit modern tunes. You’ve got to add some spice to your services, some pow to your proceedings, some mambo to your ministry. But if you really care about the souls […]

. . . finish reading 6 Secular Songs You Should Add To Your Worship Set This Very Sunday.

WASHINGTON, D.C.—According to sources present at President Donald Trump’s first viewing of Star Wars: The Last Jedi, the President was constantly interrupting the film to ask his wife to remind him which side he was supposed to be rooting against. Inside sources claim that the President kept cheering when the First Order won victories against […]

. . . finish reading ‘Which Ones Are Supposed To Be The Bad Guys?’ Trump Whispers To Melania While Watching New ‘Star Wars’ Movie.

HOUSTON, TX—America’s largest church has filed for an initial public offering which will take place early next year, Lakewood executives as well as a spokesman for the Securities and Exchange Commission confirmed Thursday. The church will trade on the Nasdaq under the ticker FAVR. Boasting $80 million in annual revenue from its heavily-trafficked retail operation […]

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NASHVILLE, TN—In a move to capture the lucrative worship leader market, the popular Gibson guitar company just debuted a new limited edition Les Paul guitar with a trademark flannel finish, the company announced Thursday. The guitars are available in a wide range of flannel colors and configurations, allowing even the most fashion-conscious worship leader to […]

. . . finish reading In Bid For Worship Leader Market, Gibson Releases New Les Paul With Flannel Finish.

WILMAR, MN—New mother Tatiana Olson is being called rude and obnoxious for failing to put her baby on silent mode before entering the church service at Generations Church during Sunday’s service. The woman’s infant cried several times during the service, interrupting the proceedings and demonstrating the reason for the church’s strict rules on using a […]

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PORTLAND, OR—Local Christian blogger Jonathan Pennington is being called a hero by progressive theologians after he courageously abandoned an extremely unpopular Christian teaching in order to instead affirm a very popular belief held in wider secular culture, sources confirmed Wednesday. “I know this is going to get me a lot of praise from secular culture, […]

. . . finish reading Man Bravely Abandons Unpopular Christian Belief To Affirm Extremely Popular Cultural Belief.

NASHVILLE, TN—Thomas Nelson announced Wednesday an exciting new addition to its collection of Jesus Calling books by Sarah Young: Trump Calling, a devotional book that is said to “contain spiritual nuggets of winning directly from the President.” Written as though Donald Trump were speaking directly to you, the devotional contains words of encouragement and blessing from […]

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Brought to you by  MARIS, KS—Thousands attending an after-church potluck at Grace Baptist Church Sunday were miraculously fed, in spite of only five dinner rolls and two tuna casseroles having been contributed to the event, according to stunned witnesses. Only two families remembered to bring dishes, despite the event having been advertised for the preceding […]

. . . finish reading Thousands Miraculously Fed At Church Potluck With Just Five Dinner Rolls, Two Tuna Casseroles.

LAKE CHAMPLAIN, VT—After years of suffering oppression at the hands of the capitalist system in America, Vermont Senator Bernie Sanders announced Wednesday that he would be quitting politics and retiring to the socialist paradise of Venezuela. Senator Sanders held a press conference at his summer vacation home on Lake Champlain to announce the move. “I […]

. . . finish reading Fed Up With Oppressive Capitalism, Bernie Sanders Retires To Socialist Paradise Venezuela.

U.S.—The nation’s Christian believers thanked President Donald Trump by the millions Tuesday after he allowed the first public celebration of Christmas in America in since the year Barack Obama took office, with many breaking down in tears due to their great gratitude toward the president. One of the President’s first acts when he took office […]

. . . finish reading Nation’s Christians Thank Trump For Allowing First Public Celebration Of Christmas In 8 Years.