U.S.—According to a new CDC study, 30% of Americans who have received the vaccine plan to spend the rest of their earthly lives hiding in their basements just in case the vaccine doesn't work. 

The post Study: 30% Of People Who Have Been Vaccinated Still Plan To Live The Rest Of Their Lives Hidden In A Basement Just In Case appeared first on The Babylon Bee.

LACKLAND AFB, TX—Secretary of Defense Lloyd Austin has directed all branches of the military to step up diversity efforts when it comes to working dogs in canine units. For the first time, the military-- which has always favored German Shepherds in the past-- will admit other breeds such as Chihuahuas and Pomeranians.

The post In Push For Diversity, Military Canine Units To Give Equal Opportunities To Chihuahuas appeared first on The Babylon Bee.

US—After carefully reviewing the massive success of the War on Drugs, Democrats have suggested applying this same strategy to eradicating guns. 

The post Following Massive Success Of The War On Drugs, Democrats Propose Same Approach For Guns appeared first on The Babylon Bee.

WASHINGTON, D.C.—The media is praising Biden's great idea for vaccine passports as "much-needed positive reinforcement" to encourage people to get vaccinated. There are some, however, who believe that some stronger negative reinforcement is needed for people who refuse the vaccine. To address this, the administration is also proposing some kind of mark or patch to identify the unvaccinated. 

The post Biden Proposes Some Kind Of Mark Or Patch To Identify Those Who Aren't Vaccinated appeared first on The Babylon Bee.

WASHINGTON, D.C.—Standing before a massive crowd of cardboard cutouts of Jim Acosta, Jim Acosta humbly accepted ‘The Jim Acosta Award For Courageous And Handsome Journalism’ from himself.

The post Jim Acosta Awards Self ‘The Jim Acosta Award For Courageous And Handsome Journalism’ appeared first on The Babylon Bee.

MINNEAPOLIS, MN—"Bricks, get yer bricks here, 2 for 10, 2 for 10!" cries John Braxton, 42, as he mills through a Minneapolis crowd gathered outside a courthouse. "Fine bricks, get yer fine bricks here!"

The post Vendors Selling Bricks, Molotovs Outside Derek Chauvin Trial appeared first on The Babylon Bee.

ATLANTA, GA—In a previous ad campaign, CNN asserted they were a news organization that would never succumb to pressure to confuse an apple and a banana, but now they seem to have changed course. In a straight news piece about produce sales, they threw in the aside, “It’s impossible to know exactly what is the best-selling fruit, as there are no consensus criteria to tell an apple from a banana.”

The post CNN Says There Is No Biological Difference Between An Apple And A Banana appeared first on The Babylon Bee.

SAN DIEGO, CA—Upon hearing that San Diego teachers were providing instruction to migrant children but not American citizens, many clever parents began disguising their kids as illegal immigrants in hopes that their kids could finally see the inside of a classroom.

The post Parents Disguising Kids As Illegal Immigrants So They Can Receive In-Person Teaching appeared first on The Babylon Bee.

U.S.—With Secretary of Transportation Pete Buttigieg proposing a national tax based on how many miles you drive in your car, budget-minded drivers will be able to activate new features in their cars that will warn them when they're about to exceed their budgeted miles for the month.

The post 'Uh-Oh! Looks Like Someone Has Exceeded His Allowable Mileage For The Day!' Says Pete Buttigieg To SUV Owner On Dashboard Display appeared first on The Babylon Bee.

EL PASO, TX—With Biden's border facilities becoming more crowded by the hour, the U.S. is facing a severe shortage of tin foil, since-- according to ICE, immigrants prefer to sleep wrapped up in it. In response, followers of "Q" have generously agreed to donate extra tin foil hats to address the urgent need.

The post QAnon Generously Donating Tin Foil Hats To Make Migrant Sleeping Bags appeared first on The Babylon Bee.