PORTLAND, OR—Sources indicate that a rioter, who had been given free rein by local authorities to do whatever he pleases on the streets of Portland for weeks, has been screaming at the top of his lungs for hours to get his message out that he believes we are all living in a fascistic nightmare.

The post 'We Are Living In A Fascistic Nightmare!' Screams Rioter Given Free Rein To Do Anything He Pleases On Streets Of Portland For Weeks appeared first on The Babylon Bee.

FRANKLIN, TN—Dave Ramsey has proposed a new package to help stimulate the economy: instead of sending every American thousands of dollars they're just gonna blow on "stupid" things, we'll mail every American a set of empty budgeting envelopes, and they'll learn to save, pay off debt, and be frugal with their money.

The post Dave Ramsey Proposes New Stimulus Package Where Every American Is Just Sent A Stack Of Empty Budgeting Envelopes appeared first on The Babylon Bee.

EDWARDSVILLE, IL—Local father Joel Postovoit finally put his years of playing Tetris to use packing the family car for vacation, sources confirmed Friday.

The post Father Finally Puts Tetris Skills To Use Packing Car For Family Vacation appeared first on The Babylon Bee.

Hey God, so look… Remember that one time You flooded the entire earth?

The post OP ED: God, I Know You Promised Not To Send Another Flood, But It’s Ok, Really appeared first on The Babylon Bee.

WASHINGTON, D.C.—After a brief absence earlier this week, Ruth Bader Ginsburg returned to her regular routine staying at the hospital.

The post After Brief Absence, Ruth Bader Ginsburg Returns Home To Hospital appeared first on The Babylon Bee.

MONROVIA, CA—Trader Joe's is baffling business and finance experts with the bizarre decision to ignore angry people on the internet who probably don't even shop there.

The post Trader Joe's Makes Baffling Business Decision To Ignore Angry People On The Internet Who Don't Even Shop There appeared first on The Babylon Bee.

WASHINGTON, D.C.—President Trump, always desiring to be gracious and fair, suggested delaying the election yesterday until the Dems can find a candidate who can form complete, coherent sentences.

The post Gracious Trump Suggests Delaying Election Until Dems Find A Candidate Who Can Form Coherent Sentences appeared first on The Babylon Bee.

U.S.—In a move to make Wonder Woman more inclusive, DC has rebranded the superhero as "Wonder Person Who Menstruates."

The post DC Rebrands Wonder Woman As Wonder Person Who Menstruates appeared first on The Babylon Bee.

This is The Babylon Bee Weekly News Show for the week of 7/31/2020.

The post Doug TenNapel Guest-hosts! Christian Art In Hollywood / Mythical Riots / Gavin The Grinch appeared first on The Babylon Bee.

U.S.—Trump voters who say they are being increasingly targeted and harassed for supporting the president have turned to wearing hydroxychloroquine necklaces to ward off Liberals. 

The post Trump Voters Now Wearing Hydroxychloroquine Necklaces To Ward Off Dangerous Liberals appeared first on The Babylon Bee.