PORTLAND, OR—Local man Rayne Skye Meadows is constantly reciting Communist mantras like "Workers of the world, unite!" though he himself is not a worker, never has been, and currently has no plans to be one, ever.

The post 'Workers Of The World, Unite!' Says Man Who Has Never Worked A Day In His Life appeared first on The Babylon Bee.

Mother's Day is right around the corner. In case you hadn't spent a lot of time observing your—or someone else's—mother, we put this graphic together so that you will catch all the fine details about moms.

The post A Guide To Mom appeared first on The Babylon Bee.

LOS ANGELES, CA—Ben Shapiro and his parents attended Temple Beth El this past Sabbath, but after returning home, Mr. and Mrs. Shapiro were horrified to discover little Ben was not with them.

The post Frantic Parents Locate Lost Ben Shapiro At Temple Owning Libs With Facts And Logic appeared first on The Babylon Bee.

SAN BRUNO, CA—In light of the ongoing fight to halt the spread of dangerous or yucky opinions, YouTube CEO Susan Wojcicki has announced new changes to Google's video-sharing platform. Starting next week, any video that does not begin with the glorious strains of China's uplifting national anthem will be immediately deleted from the platform. 

The post YouTube Removing All Videos That Don't Begin With The Chinese National Anthem appeared first on The Babylon Bee.

U.S.—As the shutdown of the entire country starts to affect the food supply chain, with meat processing plants and other businesses closing, there are now signs of a looming crisis. Researchers say that the U.S. may soon no longer have enough food to support the entire country's being morbidly obese.

The post Food Supply Issues Means U.S. Can No Longer Sustain Entire Country Being Morbidly Obese appeared first on The Babylon Bee.

SACRAMENTO, CA—Governor Gavin Newsom has instructed detention facilities across California to begin releasing violent felons to make room for skateboarders, surfers, and other people who have committed the heinous crime of going outside.

The post California Prisons Release Thousands Of Felons To Make Room For Skaters, Surfers, People Who Go Outside appeared first on The Babylon Bee.

The post Lazy Pastor Starts Broadcasting Reruns appeared first on The Babylon Bee.

ATLANTA, GA—Food companies have issued dire warnings about the state of the nation's food supply, suggesting there could be significant disruptions and shortages coming thanks to COVID-19-related closures.

The post Food Supply Disaster Averted As Chick-Fil-A Miraculously Feeds Entire Nation With Just 5 Chicken Sandwiches, 2 Waffle Fries appeared first on The Babylon Bee.

SACRAMENTO, CA—In conjunction with Governor Gavin Newsom's "stay at home" order, the State of California will be unleashing a new state law enforcement agency tasked with carrying out the spirit of the order that no one anywhere even think of doing anything remotely fun at all and remain inside their locked homes feeling nothing but boredom and sadness.

The post California Establishes Official Fun Police appeared first on The Babylon Bee.

ALBANY, NY—Local introvert Jacob Whitely had initially been having a really fun time in quarantine.  He got to read books alone, play video games alone, and even, occasionally, cry alone. However, things started to change a few weeks ago.

The post Introvert Misses Good Old Days When People Didn't Video Call Him All The Time appeared first on The Babylon Bee.