NEW YORK, NY — Halloween revelers were shocked this week after a new haunted house that had gained strong notoriety for featuring human bodies being ripped limb from limb turned out to simply be a Planned Parenthood clinic.

WASHINGTON, D.C. — In an embarrassing gaffe, several members of the United States Secret Service spent over four hours protecting what turned out to just be a Halloween butler decoration in the entryway of the White House.

PORTLAND — Unhinged terror has cast its evil shadow upon the quaint northern Portland neighborhood of Portsmouth in response to reports that several locals dressed up as a stable, happy, middle-class family.

CHICAGO, IL — Mayor Lori Lightfoot sent shivers down the spines of Chicagoans as she revealed her spine-tingling costume: none other than herself. The city was left stunned and slightly perplexed as the mayor emerged in what can only be described as the most bone-chilling Halloween costume imaginable.

WASHINGTON, D.C. — In an embarrassing gaffe, several members of the United States Secret Service spent over four hours protecting what turned out to just be a Halloween butler decoration in the entryway of the White House.

WASHINGTON, D.C. — According to first responders, a member of the undead community has starved to death after lumbering around Capitol Hill in search of brains for several weeks and finding none.

WASHINGTON, D.C. — A lucky young boy who went trick-or-treating at the United States Capitol building came away with $40 billion in candy after dressing up as Ukrainian President Volodymyr Zelensky.

Times are tough, and with the economy in such a rough shape, people are having to get more creative in order to build wealth.

U.S. — As part of a limited-time offer to cash-strapped customers, fast-food giant McDonald's is now offering 36-month, 0% interest financing on all value menu items.

WASHINGTON, D.C. — Parents are encouraged to check their child's Halloween candy haul every year to keep an eye out for razor blades and granola bars, but they didn't have to worry about the treats they'd get from the White House — until now. According to sources, the President and First Lady accidentally handed out fresh-cut bags of cocaine to trick-or-treaters at the South Lawn of the White House instead of candy, endangering both children and poll numbers.