U.S.— In the wake of several primary and caucus wins, presidential candidate Bernie Sanders has been spotted at various campaign stops testing out different mustache styles in preparation for his inevitable reign as the next great totalitarian dictator.

The post Sanders Tests Out New Mustache Styles In Preparation Of Becoming Next Totalitarian Icon appeared first on The Babylon Bee.

SACRAMENTO, CA—California legislators have recently proposed a bill forcing department store owners to only sell toys that actively set out to confuse children on their sexuality and gender.

The post California Bill Prohibits Stores From Selling Toys That Don’t Actively Confuse Children’s Sexuality appeared first on The Babylon Bee.

BURBANK, CA—Disney has announced that they’ll finally be adding a LGBTQ superhero to their pantheon of iconic characters. The non-binary superhero, named Fluid (they/them), Disney says will be their biggest boost to inclusion yet, and they say this superhero has a very special power: Fluid can turn completely invisible in international markets.

The post Disney To Introduce New LGBTQ Superhero Whose Superpower Is Turning Invisible In International Markets appeared first on The Babylon Bee.

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U.S.—South Carolina is do-or-die for Joe Biden, and he knows it. In a controversial and desperate decision, Biden has reportedly reversed himself on the core issue of his campaign in an attempt to gain momentum.

The post Controversy Arises As A Desperate Biden Resorts To Malarkey To Save Failing Campaign appeared first on The Babylon Bee.

U.S.--In what’s great news for everyone, studies have shown that a campaign against mansplaining has had great results, with mansplaining now at a historic low. In unrelated bad news, though, there’s been a marked increase in women being extremely confused.

The post Report: Mansplaining Down But Woman Confusion Up appeared first on The Babylon Bee.

DES PLAINES, IL—Peter Jenson was headed home from church on Sunday after a particularly electrifying worship service when his car lost control and caused a 30-car pileup on the eastbound side of the I-90 at the Lee street exit in Des Plaines. Parishioners say the sermon that morning had been on the reckless and audacious love of Jesus. The pastor Kenneth Hart had called churchgoers to exhibit the same kind of radical, unhinged, borderline psychotic love for their savior. Jenson took the message to heart and exited the church foyer with clumps of his own hair in each of his fists shouting incoherent gibberish at passers-by. Witnesses say he peeled out of the church parking lot and knocked over a fence before heading for the freeway onramp in a cloud of smoke.

The post Christian Man's Reckless Love For Jesus Results In 30-Car Pileup On I-90 appeared first on The Babylon Bee.

U.S.—A new study from JAMA Pediatrics found that most millennials choose not to have kids because their parents just can’t afford it right now.

The post Study Reveals Most Millennials Don’t Have Kids Because Their Parents Can’t Afford It appeared first on The Babylon Bee.

USA—In response to the high volume of reports of unexpected visits by members of the Watchtower Society, the FBI has introduced a “Jehovah’s Witness Protection Program.” Under the initiative, families overwhelmed with visits from the notorious cult would be assigned new identities and relocated to city without a Kingdom Hall. The agency hopes this new program will provide much-needed aid to families that have been targeted for proselytizing.

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PRINCETON, NJ—The makers of Tickle Me Elmo are releasing a brand new toy based on presidential candidate Joe Biden with a new and exciting twist. Unlike the previous toy which received and reacted to tickles, the Tickle You Biden doles out tickles uninvited and can appear at any moment with its rapidly wiggling fingers at your sides, often surprising you from behind. This fresh take on the beloved classic children's toy will give your child the feeling of being in the warm, lovable presence of one of America’s most beloved presidential candidates.

The post Tyco Toys Announces 'Tickle You Biden' Toy appeared first on The Babylon Bee.