ATLANTA, GA—On a live broadcast today, CNN reporter Jim Acosta struck a mighty blow against racism by checking how many bats he could fit in his mouth.

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HOLLYWOOD, CA—Netflix and Disney have come together to produce one of the greatest crossover events of the century. The Liger King will take the hero of the Netflix documentary The Tiger King, Joe Exotic, and place him at the center of the world of Disney's The Lion King. In the film, Exotic will present a baby Liger as the new king of all the animals, but he will also run for governor and then president of the Animal Kingdom.

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LYNCHBURG, VA—In a press release to students returning to Liberty University in the middle of a massive pandemic, school president Jerry Falwell, Jr. reminded students to cough into their MAGA hats to prevent the risk of infection.

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Vice President Mike Pence, head of the Coronavirus Task Force, has issued a new decree, saying that the stay-at-home order will now be permanent for all women.

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WASHINGTON, D.C.—Nancy Pelosi warned the nation of the concerning spread of support for Donald Trump in recent weeks. Luckily, she has a plan: flattening the curve.

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U.S.—Teachers at government schools have raised their concerns that the recent closure of their institutions will have a damaging effect on students. In particular, the nation's educators are worried that the longer the schools are closed, the more likely it is that students will begin thinking for themselves, learn life skills away from the government school system, and realize how much more they learn at home.

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WASHINGTON, D.C.—America's heroic lawmakers have managed to come together and pass a stimulus bill to save the world from the effects of the coronavirus.  A grateful country full of very stimulated Americans is applauding the lifesaving efforts of Congress. Already, experts are predicting the stimulus bill will save the lives of at least 85,000 government programs. Sources say that with a little congressional money laundering, that figure could even double. 

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ISRAEL—Bible scholars have agreed that Pontius Pilate didn't wash his hands long enough or thoroughly enough to avoid taking any of the responsibility for the crucifixion of Jesus.

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GOTHAM—Gotham City has been dealing with its own epidemic of coronavirus. Many wanted to pin the outbreak on the Riddler, thinking "corona" was some kind of code to be cracked. Others thought it was an evil scheme of the Joker, Penguin, or Poison Ivy.

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WASHINGTON, D.C.—The cure for coronavirus has arrived, and it's come from a surprising source: the United States Space Force. Many people mocked Trump for his Space Force idea, but now it's clear that it was an incredibly prescient decision.

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