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Jim Acosta Strikes Blow Against Racism By Seeing How Many Bats He Can Fit In His Mouth

3/31/2020

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Jim Acosta Strikes Blow Against Racism By Seeing How Many Bats He Can Fit In His Mouth,
March 31, 2020 at 05:01PM from The Babylon Bee, at The Babylon Bee

ATLANTA, GA—On a live broadcast today, CNN reporter Jim Acosta struck a mighty blow against racism by checking how many bats he could fit in his mouth.

The post Jim Acosta Strikes Blow Against Racism By Seeing How Many Bats He Can Fit In His Mouth appeared first on The Babylon Bee.


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Netflix And Disney Join Forces To Produce The Liger King

3/31/2020

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Netflix And Disney+ Join Forces To Produce The Liger King,
March 31, 2020 at 03:09PM from The Babylon Bee, at The Babylon Bee

HOLLYWOOD, CA—Netflix and Disney have come together to produce one of the greatest crossover events of the century. The Liger King will take the hero of the Netflix documentary The Tiger King, Joe Exotic, and place him at the center of the world of Disney's The Lion King. In the film, Exotic will present a baby Liger as the new king of all the animals, but he will also run for governor and then president of the Animal Kingdom.

The post Netflix And Disney+ Join Forces To Produce The Liger King appeared first on The Babylon Bee.


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Liberty University Distributes MAGA Hats For Students To Cough Into

3/31/2020

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Liberty University Distributes MAGA Hats For Students To Cough Into,
March 31, 2020 at 01:16PM from The Babylon Bee, at The Babylon Bee

LYNCHBURG, VA—In a press release to students returning to Liberty University in the middle of a massive pandemic, school president Jerry Falwell, Jr. reminded students to cough into their MAGA hats to prevent the risk of infection.

The post Liberty University Distributes MAGA Hats For Students To Cough Into appeared first on The Babylon Bee.


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Mike Pence Issues Permanent Stay-At-Home Order To Nation's Women

3/31/2020

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Mike Pence Issues Permanent Stay-At-Home Order To Nation's Women,
March 31, 2020 at 10:27AM from The Babylon Bee, at The Babylon Bee

Vice President Mike Pence, head of the Coronavirus Task Force, has issued a new decree, saying that the stay-at-home order will now be permanent for all women.

The post Mike Pence Issues Permanent Stay-At-Home Order To Nation's Women appeared first on The Babylon Bee.


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Pelosi: 'We Must Flatten The Curve Of Support For Donald Trump'

3/31/2020

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Pelosi: 'We Must Flatten The Curve Of Support For Donald Trump',
March 31, 2020 at 10:22AM from The Babylon Bee, at The Babylon Bee

WASHINGTON, D.C.—Nancy Pelosi warned the nation of the concerning spread of support for Donald Trump in recent weeks. Luckily, she has a plan: flattening the curve.

The post Pelosi: 'We Must Flatten The Curve Of Support For Donald Trump' appeared first on The Babylon Bee.


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Teachers Urge Government To Reopen Schools Before Students Learn To Think For Themselves

3/31/2020

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Teachers Urge Government To Reopen Schools Before Students Learn To Think For Themselves,
March 31, 2020 at 10:01AM from The Babylon Bee, at The Babylon Bee

U.S.—Teachers at government schools have raised their concerns that the recent closure of their institutions will have a damaging effect on students. In particular, the nation's educators are worried that the longer the schools are closed, the more likely it is that students will begin thinking for themselves, learn life skills away from the government school system, and realize how much more they learn at home.

The post Teachers Urge Government To Reopen Schools Before Students Learn To Think For Themselves appeared first on The Babylon Bee.


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Stimulus Package Projected To Save The Lives Of At Least 85000 Government Programs

3/31/2020

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Stimulus Package Projected To Save The Lives Of At Least 85,000 Government Programs,
March 31, 2020 at 09:33AM from The Babylon Bee, at The Babylon Bee

WASHINGTON, D.C.—America's heroic lawmakers have managed to come together and pass a stimulus bill to save the world from the effects of the coronavirus.  A grateful country full of very stimulated Americans is applauding the lifesaving efforts of Congress. Already, experts are predicting the stimulus bill will save the lives of at least 85,000 government programs. Sources say that with a little congressional money laundering, that figure could even double. 

The post Stimulus Package Projected To Save The Lives Of At Least 85,000 Government Programs appeared first on The Babylon Bee.


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Scholars Now Agree Pontius Pilate Didn't Wash His Hands Long Enough To Avoid Responsibility For Crucifixion

3/30/2020

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Scholars Now Agree Pontius Pilate Didn't Wash His Hands Long Enough To Avoid Responsibility For Crucifixion,
March 30, 2020 at 03:50PM from The Babylon Bee, at The Babylon Bee

ISRAEL—Bible scholars have agreed that Pontius Pilate didn't wash his hands long enough or thoroughly enough to avoid taking any of the responsibility for the crucifixion of Jesus.

The post Scholars Now Agree Pontius Pilate Didn't Wash His Hands Long Enough To Avoid Responsibility For Crucifixion appeared first on The Babylon Bee.


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Bruce Wayne Suspected As Patient Zero In Gotham Coronavirus Outbreak

3/30/2020

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Bruce Wayne Suspected As Patient Zero In Gotham Coronavirus Outbreak,
March 30, 2020 at 02:49PM from The Babylon Bee, at The Babylon Bee

GOTHAM—Gotham City has been dealing with its own epidemic of coronavirus. Many wanted to pin the outbreak on the Riddler, thinking "corona" was some kind of code to be cracked. Others thought it was an evil scheme of the Joker, Penguin, or Poison Ivy.

The post Bruce Wayne Suspected As Patient Zero In Gotham Coronavirus Outbreak appeared first on The Babylon Bee.


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Space Force Develops Cure For Coronavirus

3/30/2020

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Space Force Develops Cure For Coronavirus,
March 30, 2020 at 02:12PM from The Babylon Bee, at The Babylon Bee

WASHINGTON, D.C.—The cure for coronavirus has arrived, and it's come from a surprising source: the United States Space Force. Many people mocked Trump for his Space Force idea, but now it's clear that it was an incredibly prescient decision.

The post Space Force Develops Cure For Coronavirus appeared first on The Babylon Bee.


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