NEW YORK, NY—In anticipation of Cecile Richards’ resignation as president of Planned Parenthood, the organization has been circulating internally a memo discussing a several possible candidates to replace the long-time leader of the abortion provider. This list was leaked Wednesday by an unknown source. “We all know Queen Cecile is going to leave some huge […]

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WASHINGTON, DC—According to sources, Vice President Mike Pence snuck into the Capitol a few hours before President Trump’s State of the Union address Tuesday and smeared Super Glue all over the Democrats’ seats so they would be stuck sitting down for the entire speech. Hilarious! “He’s been a prankster ever since he was a Congressman,” […]

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As Wednesday’s rare ‘Super Blue Blood Moon’ appeared in the skies, viewers were shocked to see something glorious, miraculous, and downright beautiful: the image of John Hagee, perfectly rendered on the surface of the bright shining orb. First noticed by amateur stargazers and confirmed by NASA, Hagee’s face is said to be the first miracle […]

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WASHINGTON, D.C.—In the midst of his State of the Union address Tuesday night, President Trump announced to the gathered representatives that a free copy of his 1987 business book The Art of the Deal could be found underneath each seat in the chamber. “I have generously arranged for a copy of what many people say is […]

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WASHINGTON, D.C.—According to multiple witnesses, a belligerent man burst into the Capitol Building Tuesday night and began ranting at a joint session of Congress, gathered to listen to the annual State of the Union address in the House of Representatives chamber. The loud and seemingly unstable character began boasting into the microphone about how awesome […]

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WASHINGTON, D.C.—According to sources within the Senate, Democratic legislators took a short break from their tireless schedule of lecturing the nation about compassion Monday in order to vote against a ban on the barbaric practice of ripping helpless 20-week-old babies limb from limb and pulling them from the wombs of their mothers. The Democratic Caucus […]

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DALLAS, TX—He’s already won the most important secular position in the land, but President Donald Trump has now been nominated for a higher calling: his name was anonymously submitted as a candidate for the presidency of the Southern Baptist Convention. Going up against tough competition like early favorite J.D. Greear, Trump nonetheless has been polling […]

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TORONTO, CANADA—After noting that the pile of clean laundry was still sitting on the kitchen table where he had left it the previous day, clinical psychologist and University of Toronto professor Jordan Peterson reportedly sat down with the clothing Tuesday and convinced it to sort itself out, reports confirmed. “You can’t just keep lying around […]

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WASHINGTON, DC—Voting down a measure that would have banned most abortions after 20 weeks gestation, Senate Democrats on Monday refused to grant legal status to millions of unborn children dreaming of one day being born. House Republicans passed a bill last week that would guarantee citizens’ rights for U.S. children over 20 weeks gestation, the […]

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VARLEY, NC—In an attempt to be admitted into the inner circles of Grace Baptist Church’s bustling social life, local woman Christy Anderson and her husband Jim recently had their first child, sources confirmed Monday. The couple had made the decision to wait a few years before trying, but when they realized they were being excluded […]

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