JERUSALEM—While conventional wisdom has held that Bathsheba was bathing nude when King David saw her from his window, new analysis of the text indicates she was actually just headed out the door to run some errands while wearing leggings as pants, causing the king to stumble.

The post New Evidence Suggests King David Actually Saw Bathsheba Wearing Leggings As Pants appeared first on The Babylon Bee.

EMPORIA, KS—Local Christian man Raymond Padilla confirmed Friday that he's still caught in an endless loop of finally thinking he's achieved humility, only to realize suddenly that the very thought that he's humble means that he's no longer humble.

The post Local Christian Caught In Endless Loop Of Thinking He's Humble, Realizing This Means He's Not Humble appeared first on The Babylon Bee.

CHICAGO, IL—The NAACP has given Jussie Smollett a prestigious award for his important work creating much-needed jobs for Nigerian-American citizens.

The post Jussie Smollett Receives Prestigious NAACP Award For His Work Creating Jobs For Nigerian-Americans appeared first on The Babylon Bee.

ATLANTA, GA—Both CNN and MSNBC saw a ratings dive this week after the Mueller report determined there was no collusion between President Donald Trump and Russia in the 2016 election, while Fox News appears to have done very well in the wake of the news.

The post CNN Blames Ratings Slump On Lack Of News They Want To Report appeared first on The Babylon Bee.

WASHINGTON, D.C.—The Congressional Democrats have drafted a resolution to impeach President Donald Trump. Since the Mueller report cleared Trump of collusion with Russia, the Democrats weren’t sure why they should impeach Trump and have left the reasons for impeachment on their resolution blank for now.

The post Democrats Introduce Resolution To Impeach Trump With Reasons To Be Filled In Later appeared first on The Babylon Bee.

WASHINGTON, D.C.—After much speculation on the exact contents of Robert Mueller's report on possible Russian collusion in the 2016 election, the full text of the report has finally been revealed to contain over 300 pages of theories on the plot of upcoming Marvel film Avengers: Endgame.

The post Mueller Report Revealed To Contain 300 Pages Of 'Avengers: Endgame' Fan Theories appeared first on The Babylon Bee.

HOLLYWOOD, CA—Saying they hadn't heard of the concept of having a beating heart, several Hollywood actors called for a boycott on any states that promised to protect babies with beating hearts.

The post Unsure What 'Heartbeat' Is, Hollywood Actors Come Out Against Heartbeat Bill Just To Be Safe appeared first on The Babylon Bee.

LONDON--The Economist has issued an apology after it incorrectly labeled Ben Shapiro "alt-right," instead of just straight-up calling him a Nazi.

The post The Economist Apologizes After Labeling Ben Shapiro 'Alt-Right' Instead Of 'Filthy Nazi' appeared first on The Babylon Bee.

U.S.—The country's long-lost faith in the everlasting goodness and love of God has been miraculously restored overnight, as the nation woke up to discover that baseball season had arrived at last.

The post Nation's Faith In Goodness Of God Restored As Baseball Season Arrives appeared first on The Babylon Bee.

Decorating a church stage is arguably the most important part of church life. It says it right there in the Bible, somewhere. So if your church is rocking some old-school faux wood or a plain white wall up on the stage, you're probably not doing the Lord's work.

The post 7 Easy Ways To Spruce Up Your Church Stage appeared first on The Babylon Bee.