.

The post Filthy Peasant Using Android Phone appeared first on The Babylon Bee.

WASHINGTON, D.C.—All the witnesses who have testified before the January 6 Committee were given honorary Emmy awards this week for their outstanding performances pretending to cry for dramatic effect.

The post January 6 Witnesses Given Emmy Awards For Outstanding Performances appeared first on The Babylon Bee.

U.S.—Scientists are warning of a deadly new COVID variant: the Supersized Double Mega Limited Edition Teenage Mutant Ninja Snyder Cut Variant With Frickin' Laser Cannons.

The post Scientists Warn Of New Supersized Double Mega Limited Edition Teenage Mutant Ninja Snyder Cut COVID Variant With Frickin' Laser Cannons appeared first on The Babylon Bee.

WASHINGTON, D.C.—Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi announced Friday that anyone visiting or working at the Capitol will be arrested on sight if they do not wear pool floaties in case a flash flood hits the building.

The post Pelosi Orders Everyone At Capitol To Wear Swim Floaties In Case Of Flash Flood appeared first on The Babylon Bee.

The post Idiot Family Goes Camping appeared first on The Babylon Bee.

TOKYO—Members of the International Olympic Committee voted Thursday to award Simone Biles the first-ever Olympic Non-Participation Trophy for her decision to pull out of this week's gymnastics competition. 

The post Simone Biles Awarded Non-Participation Trophy appeared first on The Babylon Bee.

ATLANTA, GA—The CDC has once again changed course, recommending that people wear masks indoors, even those who have received the COVID-19 vaccination. Many people have reacted angrily to this decision—greatly confusing the CDC, which is used to being completely ignored.

The post CDC Still Baffled People Are Paying Attention To Them appeared first on The Babylon Bee.

WASHINGTON, D.C.—The American people took to the streets on Friday to call on the Capitol Police to arrest all members of Congress whether they were wearing a mask or not. 

The post American People Call On Capitol Police To Arrest All Of Congress Whether They're Wearing A Mask Or Not appeared first on The Babylon Bee.

HOLLYWOOD, CA—From her new residence within a tent city behind Disney’s movie studio, Scarlett Johansson held a press conference to announce a lawsuit alleging her payout from the entertainment giant came woefully short of a living wage for the state of California.

The post Scarlett Johansson Sues Disney For Not Paying Her A Living Wage For California appeared first on The Babylon Bee.

MACUNGIE, PA—In a rally at the Mack Truck facility in Lehigh Valley this week, President Biden boasted that he made the Kessel run in less than 12 parsecs back in the days when he was a hard-working interstellar freight driver.

The post Biden Tells Of The Time He Drove A Corellian Freighter And Made The Kessel Run In Less Than 12 Parsecs appeared first on The Babylon Bee.