U.S.—According to multiple, increasingly tired sources across the United States and around the world, the annual celebration that requires you to stay up past midnight is far less appealing once you turn thirty.

The post Report: Celebration That Requires You To Stay Up Past Midnight Far Less Appealing Once You Turn 30 appeared first on The Babylon Bee.

U.S.—According to sources, thousands of Americans living in the most prosperous, luxurious, plentiful period in the history of the human race think this was a really terrible year. 

The post ‘Wow, What A Terrible Year!’ Say People Living At The Absolute Peak Of Human Civilization appeared first on The Babylon Bee.

UNIVERSE—In a stunning act of mercy, God has allowed the earth and its population of sinful humans to continue its orbit around the sun. The news has left the world breathing a sigh of relief that the heavens have not passed away with a great noise, nor have the elements melted away with fervent heat.

The post Miracle: God Graciously Allows Earth Full Of Sinful Humans To Complete Another Trip Around The Sun appeared first on The Babylon Bee.

It's that time of year again—when the infallible prophets at The Babylon Bee tell you what will happen in the next year with 100% accuracy! Will 2022 be better than this year? You decide! 

The post The Babylon Bee's Top Predictions For 2022 appeared first on The Babylon Bee.

The post Betty White Passes Away One Last Time appeared first on The Babylon Bee.

CLEVELAND, OH—Local unvaccinated man Chuck Dornley is feeling very left out this holiday season, as all his vaccinated friends have now contracted COVID. 

The post Unvaccinated Man Feeling Left Out As All His Vaccinated Friends Have COVID appeared first on The Babylon Bee.

NEW YORK, NY—After photos emerged of AOC in South Florida enjoying brunch free of COVID restrictions and without wearing a mask, the congresswoman quickly clarified that she had actually been taken to Florida against her will by Governor Ron DeSantis. 

The post AOC Claims Ron DeSantis Kidnapped Her And Held Her Hostage In Miami And Now She Is Dead appeared first on The Babylon Bee.

SILVER SPRING, MD—As part of an emergency response to the rise of Omicron, the FDA has approved the use of a brand new Pfizer drug "PfiQuil" to treat the deadly new variant. 

The post FDA Approves New Anti-Omicron Drug 'PfiQuil' appeared first on The Babylon Bee.

CULVER CITY, CA—Trans woman Amy Schneider broke a winnings record on Jeopardy last week, earning more than any female contestant in the show's history. Experts say this proves once and for all that men really are smarter than women.

The post Trans Woman Wins Jeopardy, Proving Once And For All That Men Are Smarter Than Women appeared first on The Babylon Bee.

WHOVILLE—Neil deGrasse Tyson shouted from the top of a mountain down at the "ignorant, uninformed" Whos down in Whoville over the weekend that "reindeer can't fly" and that "Santa Claus is too big to go down a chimney, dummies!"

The post Neil DeGrasse Tyson Shouts Angrily At Whos Down In Whoville That Reindeer Can't Actually Fly appeared first on The Babylon Bee.