REDDING, CA—Families are wondering how to spend the holidays with their loved ones in light of state restrictions on family gatherings. One local family, dismayed that they couldn't invite the people in their family to Thanksgiving dinner, decided instead to invite their favorite clumps of cells and share a meal with them.

The post To Avoid Thanksgiving Restrictions, Family Having Several Clumps Of Cells Over Instead appeared first on The Babylon Bee.

WASHINGTON, DC—With Thanksgiving approaching, there is wide speculation as to whether President Trump will conduct a Turkey pardoning ceremony this year. In a last-ditch effort to clear his name, Hunter Biden made a rare appearance at the White House wearing a turkey costume in hopes that Trump would pardon him.

The post Hunter Biden Arrives At White House Dressed As Turkey In Hopes Of Being Pardoned By Trump appeared first on The Babylon Bee.

Hey everyone, sorry it’s been a while since I’ve updated this blog. Life has just been crazy in our little home!

The post Babylon Mom: How To Be Vulnerable While Still Showing Off Your Perfect Abs appeared first on The Babylon Bee.

PLYMOUTH, MI—After his state's governor banned gatherings of more than 10 people for Thanksgiving, local libertarian Paul Figgen was looking forward to boldly defying the government with a massive holiday gathering of dozens. Unfortunately, he's having a hard time finding dinner guests since no one wants to hang out with him. 

The post Sad: Libertarian Wants To Have Big Thanksgiving To Defy Government But No One Wants To Hang Out With Him appeared first on The Babylon Bee.

PLYMOUTH, MI—After his state's governor banned gatherings of more than 10 people for Thanksgiving, local libertarian Paul Figgen was looking forward to boldly defying the government with a massive holiday gathering of dozens. Unfortunately, he's having a hard time finding dinner guests since no one wants to hang out with him. 

The post Sad: Libertarian Wants To Have Big Thanksgiving To Defy Government But No One Wants To Hang Out With Him appeared first on The Babylon Bee.

U.S.—Common wisdom tells us that masks slow the spread of COVID and that everyone who denies that should be burned at the stake, but a new study has brought that wisdom into question, as it shows an extremely high death rate from one of the groups most diligent about wearing masks: Stormtroopers.

The post Effectiveness Of Masks Questioned With New Study Showing High Death Rate For Stormtroopers appeared first on The Babylon Bee.

U.S.—In an open letter addressed to state officials, Walmart leadership expressed gratefulness to the government for inflating their sales and stock prices while completely pulverizing their small business competition. 

The post Walmart Thanks Government For Completely Obliterating Their Small Business Competition appeared first on The Babylon Bee.

If Biden and Harris are in office, that can mean only one thing: get ready for socialism! You know these no-good socialists are gonna socialize everything in sight. That's why we compiled these helpful tips to help you prepare for the coming socialist darkness! If you follow these 10 pointers, you'll be great!

The post How To Survive The Coming Socialist Regime appeared first on The Babylon Bee.

MEMPHIS, TN—Churchgoers at Compelled Redemption River in the City Church have reported difficulty singing along with the worship team thanks to their new sound guy: Flash the Sloth. According to some members, Flash seems to lag behind the worship team on the stage, usually waiting several infuriating seconds into the next verse before he clicks the button to go to the next slide.

The post Church Recruits Flash The Sloth To Handle Worship Slides appeared first on The Babylon Bee.

U.S.—According to sociologists, Americans are experiencing unprecedented levels of worry, anxiousness, and depression. Americans also haven't attended church services in over 8 months, but those two things are likely unrelated.

The post Nation That Hasn't Been To Church In Eight Months Not Sure Why Everybody's So Anxious And Worried appeared first on The Babylon Bee.