WATERTOWN, SD — A local mother caused irreparable harm to her teenage son today, committing the cardinal sin of existing outside of the family home and being visible to anyone he knows.

LOS ANGELES, CA — In a rare public statement, The Prince of Darkness has distanced himself from last night's Grammys performance by Sam Smith, which he denounced as "cringy" and "appalling."

LA JOLLA, CA — Local man Josiah Burt veered dangerously close to ending his day in peace after hours of productive work, family time, and spiritual sensitivity. Reports say that while brushing his teeth, he visited Twitter, barely saving him from a sense of calm and well-being lasting into bedtime.

WASHINGTON, D.C. — According to sources, President Biden's team is planning to submerge the President in a bacta tank tonight so his mind and body will be prepared for his upcoming State of the Union address. White House aides are hopeful the Bacta fluid will put a skip in the elderly president's step and sharpen his mind to at least 2008 levels so that he'll be able to form a complete sentence.

WATERTOWN, SD — A local mother caused irreparable harm to her teenage son today, committing the cardinal sin of existing outside of the family home and being visible to anyone he knows.

LOS ANGELES, CA — In a rare public statement, The Prince of Darkness has distanced himself from last night's Grammys performance by Sam Smith, which he denounced as "cringy" and "appalling."

LA JOLLA, CA — Local man Josiah Burt veered dangerously close to ending his day in peace after hours of productive work, family time, and spiritual sensitivity. Reports say that while brushing his teeth, he visited Twitter, barely saving him from a sense of calm and well-being lasting into bedtime.

BEIJING — The Chinese Communist Party has assured world leaders that the massive fleet of warships heading toward Taiwan is just checking on the weather in the Taiwan Strait.

HUNTSVILLE, AL — Despite having faithfully shepherded his congregation for twelve years, local Pastor Reagan Johnson has been removed from his post after a concerned congregant notified the elder board of his failing to have "Husband. Father. Pastor." in his bio on Twitter.

ODESSA, TX — Local man Brad Johnson has joined Faith Covenant's worship band, giving it the token forty-something balding guy it was sorely missing.