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AUSTIN, TX—As leadership in Texas held a press conference to give updates on the tragic school shooting in Uvalde, candidate for governor Beto O'Rourke took the time to drop by and remind everyone he's a giant turd. 

The post Beto Interrupts Press Conference To Remind Everyone He's A Giant Turd appeared first on The Babylon Bee.

HOUSTON, TX—Local mom Rachel Pilkington gathered her family around an ominious velvet curtain Thursday morning before dramatically pulling it away to unveil a totally doable summer activity schedule carefully laid out on a large bulletin board.

The post Mom Unveils Totally Doable Summer Activity Schedule appeared first on The Babylon Bee.

U.S.—People across the nation are showing new signs of unity as they come together in the wake of horrible tragedy to engage in the traditional ritual of arguing and hating each other.

The post Nation Comes Together During Tragedy To Engage In Tradition Of Hateful Bickering appeared first on The Babylon Bee.

PORTLAND, OR—Multiple independent reports have confirmed that Portland resident Allie Peck has become the laughingstock of her drum circle this week after she pulled up in a Subaru with an embarrassingly low 48 stickers on the back.

The post Pathetic Excuse For A Subaru Owner Only Has 48 Stickers On Back Of Car appeared first on The Babylon Bee.

CLAREMONT, CA—A groundbreaking new study from researchers at Harvey Mudd College has uncovered a definitive link between small children and dehydration: bedtime. Professors with the Biology and Chemistry departments worked with a team of postgraduate students to monitor the hydration levels and fluid intake of children ages 2-10 over a period of six months.

The post Study Finds 100% Of Kids Suffer From Severe Dehydration As Soon As It's Time For Bed appeared first on The Babylon Bee.

CANAAN—In an absolutely humiliating mixup yesterday, Joseph son of Jacob confidently strolled around town in his rainbow-colored coat, as he had totally forgotten it was Pride Month.

The post Embarrassing Mix-up As Joseph Wears Coat Of Many Colors During Pride Month Again appeared first on The Babylon Bee.

WASHINGTON, D.C.—After being denied communion in her home city of San Francisco, House Speaker Pelosi has retaliated against the insult by introducing articles of impeachment against Pope Francis.

The post Nancy Pelosi Draws Up Articles Of Impeachment Against The Pope appeared first on The Babylon Bee.

EAST AURORA, NY—In a show of solidarity with a vocal minority of gender activists who don't purchase their products, Fisher-Price introduced the "My First Gender Transition" playset for kids ages 2 to 9.

The post Fisher-Price Introduces 'My First Gender Transition' Playset appeared first on The Babylon Bee.