U.S. — With artificial intelligence continually opening up new horizons for technological discovery and automation in every facet of human life, researchers were shocked by a new study that found 85% of A.I. servers were being used by men generating images of themselves as Roman soldiers.

LOS ANGELES, CA — Though insiders said leaving office was a difficult experience for Kamala Harris, the former vice president was said to be excited to begin her new career as an obscure trivia answer.

PHOENIX, AZ — A local Christian community was thrown into an uproar this week when it came to people's attention that there was a retard among them who not only reads the Bible but also believes that it just means what it says.

HEAVEN — Faced with questions following the headline-making sermon delivered by a girl priest at the National Prayer Service, God clarified through a messenger that "Wherever two or three are gathered in my name, I am with them" doesn't apply to Episcopalians.

Dear Babylon Bee,

President Donald Trump's administration finally got settled into the White House this week, but word has it that cleaning the place out after Joe Biden's departure was a daunting task. Trump's team worked long hours following the inauguration, and you won't believe what they found.

PIEDRAS NEGRAS — Lost in the furor over the Trump administration's immediate implementation of plans to round up and deport illegal aliens throughout the United States and close the border was the plight of a murderer who said he was now forced to do all his murderin' in Mexico.

NOVI, MI — Local man Greg Hartford just made history by becoming the first person in the world to purchase WinRAR. Previously, no one had bothered to buy a license since the software's free trial can be used perpetually, essentially making it free.

NEW YORK CITY — Prospects have dimmed considerably for local woman Violet Weber, who just graduated in December from Columbia with a degree in Diversity, Equity and Inclusion Studies.

U.S. — Late-night comedy made a stunning return to form Monday following the inauguration of President Trump with hosts reportedly excited they can now make jokes about the president again.