ETERNAL GLORY — Confirming fears long-held by Christian sports fans, an announcement from Heaven confirmed that God keeps a list of people who leave church early to watch football games.

FORT WAYNE, TX — Local man Dave Mulligan celebrated his 43rd birthday this week with the sad realization that he might never actually own a WWII-era German Panzer IV tank.

WASHINGTON, D.C. — With the arrival of yet another wave of allegations of Russian interference in U.S. elections, one American political party that has gone to great lengths to invite foreigners to interfere in elections let foreign nations know it had had enough and wouldn't stand for it any longer.

ORLANDO, FL — Sources close to Republican presidential candidate Donald J. Trump report that the former president is preparing for his upcoming debate with Kamala Harris as realistically as possible: by going to wine bars and arguing with drunk people.

GAZA — After news broke over the weekend that the bodies of several executed hostages were recently discovered in Gaza by Israeli Defense Forces, the Palestinian terrorist organization Hamas was reportedly excited to learn that killing Israelis somehow makes U.S. President Joe Biden condemn Israel.

ARLINGTON, VA — Official FBI sources recently stepped forward to apologize for the Bureau's tardiness in stopping a school shooter, as they were all wrapped up taking care of a few dangerous pro-life protestors at the time.

U.S. — A Sikorsky UH-60 Black Hawk helicopter touched down just outside the residence of Bill and Hillary Clinton on Wednesday, carrying the first lady's former CIA handler. According to an anonymous source, he approached Hillary to recruit her for one last Russian collusion hoax.

Human history is replete with dying, death, and deadly days. At times, it seems like all of human civilization has been marked by tragedy and bloodshed.

We finally did it. We made a movie. And it's glorious.

QUANTICO, VA — Following yet another violent tragedy that took innocent young lives, the Federal Bureau of Investigation assured the public that the next ten mass shooters were also on their radar.