AOC: One of America's foremost intellectuals, Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez has knowledge, wit, and wisdom that is as deep as it is wide. All thanks to her economics degree from Boston University!David Hogg: He's so smart, he knows guns are bad. Not everyone knows that. That Harvard education really paid off.The Unibomber: Another Harvard prodigy!Kamala Harris: In college, she learned all 12 of the words she uses in a speech.Lex Luthor: Thanks to his biomechanical engineering degree from Princeton, he gave Superman a real run for his money! What a guy!Everyone making your latte at Starbucks: Thanks to college, these bright young minds are probably the most educated people on earth who have ever made coffee.Joy Behar: She studied sociology at Queen's College, and it shows. Her brilliant insights on culture and the human condition are unmatched.The guy on the street corner with the sign saying "will work for food": Every word on the sign is spelled correctly!Judas Iscariot: The only disciple who went to Harvard.Joe Biden: The smartest president who ever lived. Thanks, college! NOT SATIRE: Praxis is a year-long apprenticeship program that matches you with a full-time, paid job at a growing company. The program offers a direct route into high-potential careers for driven young people without the cost and hassle of college. Want to learn how it works?

GARDEN CITY, CO — Local man Terrence Bilkerson successfully transitioned into a woman recently after taking his wife's multivitamin. The transition occurred instantly after he grabbed the wrong bottle of vitamins, being distracted by that idiot referee who had made that confounding call in the fourth quarter of Sunday's big game.

LAUREL, MD — NASA's DART mission ended in disaster today as one of their female space drivers crashed a spacecraft directly into an oncoming asteroid. To save face, NASA is now claiming the collision was completely on purpose.

Do you think you're just a quiet, patriotic conservative with good old-fashioned family values? Oh no! You may be a dangerous fascist!

NEW HAVEN, CT — Philosophy professor and Fascism Expert James Stanley announced on Twitter that he had found fascism in America, Italy, Nigeria, and several other countries.

WASHINGTON, D.C. — House Speaker Nancy Pelosi drafted articles of impeachment against newly elected Italian Prime Minister Giorgia Meloni Tuesday to combat what she calls "far-right extremist Mussolini cosplay under the Tuscan sun."

TALLAHASSEE, FL — Florida Governor Ron DeSantis is being hailed as a hero after he used top-secret technology to reroute Hurricane Ian to Martha's Vineyard.

The economy is in the toilet! What will you do? Relax! This is nothing to worry about. We're all just transitioning to a brighter future together!

TEHRAN, IRAN — The protests in Iran have been raging for over a week, with more speaking out against Iran's use of "morality police" in enforcing hijab wearing among women. The protests, sparked by the death of a young woman in police custody arrested for hijab noncompliance, have been marked by the defiant acts of hijab-burning and hair-exposing, which prompted Biden to launch an emergency trip to Iran to show his solidarity with the Iranian women's hair.

WASHINGTON, D.C. — To avoid fighting over further spending bills, Congress has opted instead to sign up for the brand new subscription service Ukraine+, which only costs $40 billion per month.