BETHESDA, MD—Concerned citizens are raising questions about some experiments conducted by Dr. Fauci's NIH, including one where puppies were tortured to death, their vocal cords severed to mute their screams. In an interview, Fauci said that anyone who attacks puppy torture is attacking science itself. 

The post Fauci Says Attacking Puppy Torture Is An Attack On Science appeared first on The Babylon Bee.

WASHINGTON, D.C.—Well, this is probably not a great development: sources inside the White House confirmed Friday that someone at some point in the last nine months snuck into the Oval Office and replaced the only copy of the Constitution with a copy of George Orwell's 1984.

The post Oh No! Someone Replaced Joe Biden's Copy Of The Constitution With A Copy Of '1984' appeared first on The Babylon Bee.

SAN FRANCISCO, CA—The City of San Francisco has closed its only In-N-Out's dining room, since the restaurant refused to discriminate against its customers. Instead of eating in the unsanitary dining room where they might get sick, people are forced to get to-go orders and eat on the poop-covered sidewalk outside the restaurant, sources confirmed Friday.

The post San Francisco Bans People From Eating At Unsanitary In-N-Out, Must Eat On Poop-Covered Sidewalk Instead appeared first on The Babylon Bee.

BEIJING—After gathering around the TV with some popcorn to watch Joe Biden's Town Hall event on CNN, President Xi and his military generals have decided the time is right to invade Taiwan.

The post After Watching Biden Town Hall, President Xi Decides It's Time To Invade Taiwan appeared first on The Babylon Bee.

SACRAMENTO, CA—California has come under a lot of criticism for dirty needles and piles of poo lying all over its major cities like Los Angeles and San Francisco. But Governor Gavin Newsom has a different take, saying the syringes lying all over the streets of metropolitan areas are due to the high vaccination rate of the state.

The post Newsom Claims Syringes Strewn About California Cities Are Due To High Vaccination Rate appeared first on The Babylon Bee.

AUSTIN, TX—According to sources at the Landon household, a batch of brownies being whipped up by Mrs. Heather Landon was completely ruined by the last-minute addition of walnuts. Landon had painstakingly whipped up the dough, or however it is you make brownies. She had added flour, eggs (?), and whatever else you add to brownie mix. Her husband walked by and said, "Mmmm, brownies! Yes! Can't wait!" and gave her a low-five. But then, something horrible happened: she added walnuts to the mix before pouring it into the pan and baking it. "NOOOOO!!!" screamed her husband, diving to stop her, but it was too late. "Perfection ruined! You might as well have added a mustache to the Mona Lisa!" At publishing time, Landon had added raisins to a batch of chocolate chip cookies.

The post Perfectly Good Brownies Ruined By Last-Minute Addition Of Walnuts appeared first on The Babylon Bee.

U.S.—After the terrorist attack of October 5th — the release of Dave Chappelle’s The Closer — many progressives have questioned the whole concept of stand-up comedy.

The post Outdated Stand-Up Comedy Replaced With Stand-Up Scolding appeared first on The Babylon Bee.

CACTUS HILL, AZ—Pastor Fred Wilkinson, a King James-only pastor in a rural Arizona town, reportedly leads his congregation in a chant every Sunday morning, wanting to join in on the 'F--- Joe Biden' chant trend sweeping through sports games, concerts, and churches across the country. 

The post King James Only Pastor Leads Congregation In Chant Of 'Knoweth Joe Biden!' appeared first on The Babylon Bee.

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