SEATTLE, WA—Amid coronavirus fears, every worship band member at Grace Gracious Gracely Church will be forced to play in a drum cage.

The post Amid Coronavirus Concerns, All Worship Band Members To Play In A Drum Cage appeared first on The Babylon Bee.

GREEN GROVE, PA—When Jasmine Parker found out she was pregnant this week, she quickly realized she had a problem. She and husband Judah Parker have completely run out of weird names from the Bible for their kids.

The post Homeschool Family Running Out Of Weird Baby Names From The Bible appeared first on The Babylon Bee.

WILMINGTON, DE—Amid the coronavirus pandemic, the Biden campaign has canceled the presidential candidate's much-anticipated trip upstairs due to health concerns.

The post Biden Campaign Cancels Trip Upstairs appeared first on The Babylon Bee.

So, you say you're not racist, eh? Think again. Racism is bad, but you know what's worse than racism? Secret racism. Many of us who go about our lives thinking we don't hate people for their race are actually secret racists. The racism is just below the surface, simmering like a stew in a Crockpot.

The post 10 Signs You Might Be A Secret Racist appeared first on The Babylon Bee.

Talk about a great score: a lot of Americans are reporting that they are getting packages from China containing giant mystery eggs.

The post Score! China Keeps Sending Everyone Packages Containing Giant Mystery Eggs appeared first on The Babylon Bee.

WASHINGTON, D.C.—President Donald Trump warned the nation Thursday that it could take up to four more years to accurately count all the votes in the 2020 election, should many states switch to mail-in voting.

The post Trump Estimates That It Could Take 4 More Years To Accurately Count All The Votes appeared first on The Babylon Bee.

WASHINGTON, D.C.—Joe Biden has been plagued with questions about his age and mental health, but he’s brushed off suggestions that he needs a cognitive test and has even gotten irritable at the suggestion. This came to a head yesterday when he was seen screaming at a pigeon, “I don’t need a cognitive test!”

The post 'I Don't Need A Cognitive Test!' Biden Screams At Pigeon appeared first on The Babylon Bee.

CHARLESTON, SC—A Black Lives Matter protest in South Carolina started to get out of hand, with people screaming at police officers stationed nearby. It threatened to get violent until the protestors paused after noticing they were all white.

The post Riotous BLM Protesters Suddenly Realize They're All White People appeared first on The Babylon Bee.

Things are tough, but hang in there, everyone: help is on the way! A new coronavirus relief package is close to completion. Here's a visual breakdown of everything that's included in this proposal. Get ready to be relieved, especially if you're Amazon or Walmart!

The post Infographic: A Complete Breakdown Of The $1 Trillion Stimulus Bill appeared first on The Babylon Bee.

U.S.—A new study found that government-enforced lockdowns were very effective at taking COVID-19 deaths and exchanging them for other kinds of deaths.

The post Study: Lockdowns Successfully Exchanged COVID Deaths For Other Kinds Of Deaths appeared first on The Babylon Bee.