VALHALLA — Mighty viking warriors looked down from their eternal resting place with embarrassment as their progeny floundered with basic issues like immigration, national security, and being total pansies.

U.S.A — The FDA released updated health advice this week, including guidance regarding what kind of potato chips are the healthiest; they advise always choosing the bag with the photo of the farm or a little kid picking veggies in a field in the matte-colored bag over choosing the shiny bag with no campy imagery on it.

WASHINGTON, DC — President Donald Trump announced this week he will be instituting a mandatory military draft for any American who puts a little yellow and blue Ukrainian flag in their Facebook bio.

HOLLYWOOD, CA — For the tenth year in a row, a movie you've never heard of won the award for Best Picture at the Academy Awards.

WASHINGTON, D.C. — In yet another embarrassing scolding from U.S. leadership to Ukraine, President Donald Trump ordered President Volodymyr Zelenskyy to be sent to bed without his supper to think about what he's done.

U.S. — Alternative rock band Weezer has been dubbed the "Most Just OK" band of all time following a vote by fans who describe the band's music as "just OK."

Trump announced his intention to pardon the late Pete Rose, a ball player who was disqualified from the Baseball Hall of Fame for betting on the game. But this is only the beginning.

HELL — Infernal sources have just confirmed that Satan has decided to join the communion of the Episcopal Church.

LONDON — The European members of NATO have rushed to the defense of Ukraine following criticism by the Trump administration, promising to support its ongoing war with Russia. As a show of support, Europe has pledged its collective military might of three panzer tanks and one of those Nazi motorcycles with a sidecar.

VALHALLA — Mighty viking warriors looked down from their eternal resting place with embarrassment as their progeny floundered with basic issues like immigration, national security, and being total pansies.