WASHINGTON, D.C.—Representative Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez was brutally murdered this week as a result of Elon Musk buying Twitter, says AOC. Twitter accepted Musk's offer to buy Twitter on April 25th, which AOC says makes them an accessory to her murder.

The post AOC Says She Got Killed From Elon Buying Twitter And Is Now Dead appeared first on The Babylon Bee.

WASHINGTON, D.C.—The Washington Post has released another broadside against Elon Musk, this time condemning him for mildly criticizing a Twitter executive instead of just doxxing her and her family. 

The post Washington Post Condemns Musk For Criticizing Twitter Employee Instead Of Publishing Her Address And Showing Up At Her Sister’s House appeared first on The Babylon Bee.

VALENCIA, U.S.—During a recent bedtime routine, local father Nick Samuels started to suspect his 3-year-old daughter Lulu was stalling in an attempt to stay up past her bedtime when the evening’s prayer time entered its second overtime.

The post Dad Suspects Toddler Praying At Bedtime Is Just Stalling At This Point appeared first on The Babylon Bee.

U.S.—A new law being passed in Congress will require Christian colleges and seminaries to refund the student loans of Christian students who failed to acquire a spouse while in attendance. 

The post New Law Will Allow Christian College Graduates Who Fail To Acquire Spouse To Receive Refund On Student Loan appeared first on The Babylon Bee.

WASHINGTON, D.C.—The Disinformation Governance Board has wasted no time since its official formation this week, and has already deployed thousands of advanced disinformation detectors throughout the country. The board was shocked when after only a day, the detectors detected a deluge of deadly disinformation in D.C.

The post Disinformation Board Detects High Levels Of Disinformation Coming From Mysterious White Building In Washington, D.C. appeared first on The Babylon Bee.

SPRINGFIELD, MA—According to sources, Merriam-Webster quietly updated its definition of the word "Freedom" to match its definition of "Slavery," which the prestigious dictionary claims is more in line with modern use.

The post Merriam-Webster Updates Definition Of Freedom To ‘Slavery’ appeared first on The Babylon Bee.

WASHINGTON, D.C.—White House Press Secretary Jen Psaki announced the Biden Administration’s plans to forgive up to $50,000 in student loans for each the nation’s 43 million Americans who have borrowed, emphasizing the student loan forgiveness will be paid in Kohl’s Cash. 

The post Biden Administration Announces Student Loan Forgiveness Will Be Paid In Kohl's Cash appeared first on The Babylon Bee.

LOS ANGELES--Avatar: The Way of Water, sequel to the blockbuster 2009 film Avatar, will reportedly be a two-hour "previously on"-style recap of the original film to remind viewers what the franchise is and why they should care.

The post Entirety Of 'Avatar 2' To Consist Of Two-Hour 'Previously On' Segment To Remind Viewers What The Heck Avatar Is appeared first on The Babylon Bee.

WASHINGTON, D.C.—In its first official act, the new DHS Government Disinformation Board ruled today that all criticism of the Government Disinformation Board is disinformation. This comes in response to sharp criticism from conservatives, which they say is untrue and unwarranted. 

The post Government Disinformation Board Determines All Criticism Of Government Disinformation Board To Be Disinformation appeared first on The Babylon Bee.

WASHINGTON, D.C.—The Department of Homeland Security has formed the Disinformation Governance Board to bravely combat incorrect opinions on the internet. According to sources, the board's Executive Director Nina Jankowicz has appointed Hunter Biden to sit on the board for a salary of $50,000 per month. 

The post Hunter Biden To Receive $50K Per Month Salary For Seat On Disinformation Governance Board appeared first on The Babylon Bee.