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Progressive Elves Stage Walkout In Protest After Rittenhouse Added To Nice List

11/30/2021

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NORTH POLE—Toy production in Santa’s magical workshop reportedly ground to a halt after progressive elves staged a walkout to protest Kyle Rittenhouse’s inclusion on the coveted “Nice” list.

The post Progressive Elves Stage Walkout In Protest After Rittenhouse Added To ‘Nice’ List appeared first on The Babylon Bee.


Progressive Elves Stage Walkout In Protest After Rittenhouse Added To ‘Nice’ List,
November 30, 2021 at 05:35PM from The Babylon Bee, at The Babylon Bee

Click on the headline to read the full article at The Babylon Bee
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10 Christmas Gift Ideas For Your Conservative Child

11/30/2021

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The post 10 Christmas Gift Ideas For Your Conservative Child appeared first on The Babylon Bee.


10 Christmas Gift Ideas For Your Conservative Child,
November 30, 2021 at 04:36PM from The Babylon Bee, at The Babylon Bee

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Ghislaine Maxwell Trial Begins With New Judge Billslav Clintonovich Presiding

11/30/2021

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NEW YORK, NY—After the Ghislaine Maxwell began in Manhattan, the judge chosen for the trial disappeared under mysterious circumstances. In his place, a brand new judge named Billslav Clintonovich has been brought in to preside over the case.

The post Ghislaine Maxwell Trial Begins With New Judge Billslav Clintonovich Presiding appeared first on The Babylon Bee.


Ghislaine Maxwell Trial Begins With New Judge Billslav Clintonovich Presiding,
November 30, 2021 at 03:58PM from The Babylon Bee, at The Babylon Bee

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Disney Digitally Alters Bart Simpson's Catchphrase From 'Cowabunga!' To 'Taiwan Is Not A Sovereign State!'

11/30/2021

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BURBANK, CA—At the entertainment giant’s world headquarters, Disney Imagineers showed off new technology that uses artificial intelligence to scan the more than 700 episodes of “The Simpsons” and replace Bart Simpson’s probably-offensive catchphrase “Cowabunga!” with the much less problematic and more profitable catchphrase “Taiwan is not a sovereign state, dude!”

The post Disney Digitally Alters Bart Simpson's Catchphrase From 'Cowabunga!' To 'Taiwan Is Not A Sovereign State!' appeared first on The Babylon Bee.


Disney Digitally Alters Bart Simpson's Catchphrase From 'Cowabunga!' To 'Taiwan Is Not A Sovereign State!',
November 30, 2021 at 03:18PM from The Babylon Bee, at The Babylon Bee

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New Calvinist Escape Room Has Participants Do Nothing While They Wait For Someone To Let Them Out

11/30/2021

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NASHVILLE, TN—Christian entertainment company 4HisGlory Amusements has announced an exciting new escape room experience based on Calvinist theology. Participants will be entirely unable to do anything to escape the room and instead must wait for an actor playing Jesus to unlock the door and let them out.

The post New Calvinist Escape Room Has Participants Do Nothing While They Wait For Someone To Let Them Out appeared first on The Babylon Bee.


New Calvinist Escape Room Has Participants Do Nothing While They Wait For Someone To Let Them Out,
November 30, 2021 at 02:06PM from The Babylon Bee, at The Babylon Bee

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Santa To Replace 'Naughty Or Nice' List With 'Vaxxed Or Unvaxxed' List

11/30/2021

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NORTH POLE—In a major break with hundreds of years of Christmas tradition, Santa Claus will not be using his famous “Naughty or Nice” list this year. Instead, Father Christmas will be keeping a list of vaccinated and unvaccinated children. 

 “With the pandemic entering its second Christmas season, Santa felt the traditional ‘Naughty or Nice’ list needed an update,” said North Pole spokes-elf Trudy Toymaker. “This year, he’ll be keeping track of all the good little children who get vaccinated, as well as the evil unvaccinated kids who want their family and friends to die.” 

Vaccinated children will receive lots of toys and goodies from Santa, while the unvaccinated kids will get skunked this Christmas. “We don’t really give out coal anymore due to climate change,” Toymaker noted. “Instead, the unvaccinated kids will receive a box of masks, some hand sanitizer, and a pre-filled postcard to report their conspiracy-theorist parents to child services and the FBI.” 

Toymaker said thousands of Elves on Shelves have been dispatched to pediatrician's offices around the country to keep track of which children are getting vaccinated. Santa’s tech team also plans to hack into children’s electronic medical records later this month to make sure nobody is missed. 

In addition to the new vaccine requirements, Santa is asking families to include a $20 bill with his traditional plate of milk and cookies this year. “This will help Santa offset rising costs due to inflation and elf labor shortages,” Toymaker said. 

The post Santa To Replace 'Naughty Or Nice' List With 'Vaxxed Or Unvaxxed' List appeared first on The Babylon Bee.


Santa To Replace 'Naughty Or Nice' List With 'Vaxxed Or Unvaxxed' List,
November 30, 2021 at 01:28PM from The Babylon Bee, at The Babylon Bee

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CNN Brings Back Chris Cuomo To Host New Show To Shield A Predator

11/30/2021

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ATLANTA, GA—CNN has announced that they will bring back Chris Cuomo to host a new addition to their evening lineup of shows, titled To Shield a Predator.

The post CNN Brings Back Chris Cuomo To Host New Show ‘To Shield A Predator’ appeared first on The Babylon Bee.


CNN Brings Back Chris Cuomo To Host New Show ‘To Shield A Predator’,
November 30, 2021 at 12:14PM from The Babylon Bee, at The Babylon Bee

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Supreme Court To Carefully Consider Pros Cons Of Baby Murder

11/30/2021

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WASHINGTON, D.C.—The Supreme Court is hearing arguments on abortion law this week, where they will carefully weigh the pros and cons of murdering babies with metal tearing instruments and high-powered vacuums.

The post Supreme Court To Carefully Consider Pros, Cons Of Baby Murder appeared first on The Babylon Bee.


Supreme Court To Carefully Consider Pros, Cons Of Baby Murder,
November 30, 2021 at 11:11AM from The Babylon Bee, at The Babylon Bee

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Shes Back! Doritos Signs 12-Year Contract With Aunt Jemima

11/29/2021

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U.S.—After a brief hiatus amid racial tensions and increased anti-ethnic-mascot sentiment, the beloved Aunt Jemima is back, having signed a new 12-year contract with Frito-Lay. 

The post She’s Back! Doritos Signs 12-Year Contract With Aunt Jemima appeared first on The Babylon Bee.


She’s Back! Doritos Signs 12-Year Contract With Aunt Jemima,
November 29, 2021 at 06:43PM from The Babylon Bee, at The Babylon Bee

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10 Major Disasters From History And How The Media Reported Them

11/29/2021

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The post 10 Major Disasters From History And How The Media Reported Them appeared first on The Babylon Bee.


10 Major Disasters From History And How The Media Reported Them,
November 29, 2021 at 04:55PM from The Babylon Bee, at The Babylon Bee

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