NORTH POLE—Toy production in Santa’s magical workshop reportedly ground to a halt after progressive elves staged a walkout to protest Kyle Rittenhouse’s inclusion on the coveted “Nice” list.

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NEW YORK, NY—After the Ghislaine Maxwell began in Manhattan, the judge chosen for the trial disappeared under mysterious circumstances. In his place, a brand new judge named Billslav Clintonovich has been brought in to preside over the case.

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BURBANK, CA—At the entertainment giant’s world headquarters, Disney Imagineers showed off new technology that uses artificial intelligence to scan the more than 700 episodes of “The Simpsons” and replace Bart Simpson’s probably-offensive catchphrase “Cowabunga!” with the much less problematic and more profitable catchphrase “Taiwan is not a sovereign state, dude!”

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NASHVILLE, TN—Christian entertainment company 4HisGlory Amusements has announced an exciting new escape room experience based on Calvinist theology. Participants will be entirely unable to do anything to escape the room and instead must wait for an actor playing Jesus to unlock the door and let them out.

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NORTH POLE—In a major break with hundreds of years of Christmas tradition, Santa Claus will not be using his famous “Naughty or Nice” list this year. Instead, Father Christmas will be keeping a list of vaccinated and unvaccinated children. 

 “With the pandemic entering its second Christmas season, Santa felt the traditional ‘Naughty or Nice’ list needed an update,” said North Pole spokes-elf Trudy Toymaker. “This year, he’ll be keeping track of all the good little children who get vaccinated, as well as the evil unvaccinated kids who want their family and friends to die.” 

Vaccinated children will receive lots of toys and goodies from Santa, while the unvaccinated kids will get skunked this Christmas. “We don’t really give out coal anymore due to climate change,” Toymaker noted. “Instead, the unvaccinated kids will receive a box of masks, some hand sanitizer, and a pre-filled postcard to report their conspiracy-theorist parents to child services and the FBI.” 

Toymaker said thousands of Elves on Shelves have been dispatched to pediatrician's offices around the country to keep track of which children are getting vaccinated. Santa’s tech team also plans to hack into children’s electronic medical records later this month to make sure nobody is missed. 

In addition to the new vaccine requirements, Santa is asking families to include a $20 bill with his traditional plate of milk and cookies this year. “This will help Santa offset rising costs due to inflation and elf labor shortages,” Toymaker said. 

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ATLANTA, GA—CNN has announced that they will bring back Chris Cuomo to host a new addition to their evening lineup of shows, titled To Shield a Predator.

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WASHINGTON, D.C.—The Supreme Court is hearing arguments on abortion law this week, where they will carefully weigh the pros and cons of murdering babies with metal tearing instruments and high-powered vacuums.

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U.S.—After a brief hiatus amid racial tensions and increased anti-ethnic-mascot sentiment, the beloved Aunt Jemima is back, having signed a new 12-year contract with Frito-Lay. 

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