FORT WORTH, TX—Local 7-year-old Jayden Perdue was instructed to go to bed Monday evening, but the boy wasn't about to let the bedtime proceedings go through without a fight. 

The post Local Kid Employs Series Of Delay Tactics To Indefinitely Postpone Bedtime appeared first on The Babylon Bee.

WASHINGTON, D.C.—Senate Republicans agreed to allow the FBI to investigate claims made against Supreme Court nominee Brett Kavanaugh, "as long as it's wrapped up by the time Matlock comes on tonight."

The post Republicans Allow For FBI Investigation On Kavanaugh As Long As It's Finished By The Time 'Matlock' Comes On Tonight appeared first on The Babylon Bee.

WASHINGTON, D.C.—In an emergency, overnight referendum, the American people voted on Thursday to replace the United States Senate with a room full of monkeys throwing feces. The measure passed with 57% of the vote. 22% of voters thought the Senate should be replaced by barking seals, while 17% voted that the replacement should be the pit of venomous snakes from Indiana Jones. 3.97% voted that Senate members be replaced by screaming goats. "About 100 people" voted for the current Senators to keep their jobs, with this tiny voting bloc centered in Washington, D.C.

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REDDING, CA—An alleged "outpouring of the Holy Spirit" at Bethlehem Spirit Church coincided exactly with the well-rehearsed and perfectly executed key change in a worship song played at a midweek worship night, sources confirmed.

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WASHINGTON D.C.—The FBI has introduced an advanced new CSI technique for determining whether or not a person is guilty of a crime: pausing a video of the person while making an unpleasant face. “If a person makes a meany-guy-face even for one part of a second, we’ve nailed them,” said FBI director Marlon Quinn. “They are obviously guilty; otherwise, why would they make a meany-face?”

The post Confirmed: Unpleasant Facial Expressions Now Admissible As Evidence Of Guilt appeared first on The Babylon Bee.

Democrats Introduce New Delay Tactic, Demand Senate Committee Watch All 639 Episodes Of 'The Simpsons'

The post Delay Tactics: The Democrats Just Demanded The Senate Watch All 639 Episodes Of 'The Simpsons' Before Kavanaugh Vote appeared first on The Babylon Bee.

WASHINGTON, D.C.—After observing how prospective Supreme Court nominee Brett Kavanaugh's hearings went today, the Senate agreed to have Hugh Jackman host all future televised hearings in order to lend "a little more circus-like pizzaz" to the proceedings.

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WASHINGTON, D.C.—Well, looks like this has been a successful day for everybody: after hours upon hours of testimony, questioning, and monologues by presidential hopefuls, every single person in the country still believes exactly what he or she already believed about Brett Kavanaugh going into the hearings.

The post Success: After A Full Day Of Hearings, Everyone Believes Exactly What They Already Believed About Kavanaugh appeared first on The Babylon Bee.

WASHINGTON, D.C.—Well, looks like this has been a successful day for everybody: after hours upon hours of testimony, questioning, and monologues by presidential hopefuls, every single person in the country still believes exactly what he or she already believed about Brett Kavanaugh going into the hearings.

The post Success: After A Full Day Of Hearings, Everyone Believes Exactly What They Already Believed appeared first on The Babylon Bee.

U.S.—A panel of the nation's top video game theologians confirmed Thursday that Satan will likely begin flashing a bright red color just before his final defeat at the hands of Christ.

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