NEWARK, TX—Having received a courtesy phone call from his friend Benny Hinn tipping him off to the federal government’s crackdown on Hinn’s ministry, a sweating, frantic Kenneth Copeland drove to his ministry headquarters Friday morning, sat down at one of his employees’ computers, and ordered 15 industrial paper shredders from Amazon, sources confirmed. The shredders will […]

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GRAPEVINE, TX—After raiding offices of Benny Hinn, federal agents have confirmed to the press that they were unable to find a single shred of sound doctrine anywhere within the building occupied by Benny Hinn Ministries. “We tore that place apart and I can confirm that there was absolutely zero biblical theology to be found,” an IRS […]

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U.S.—The Newsboys released a dark, disturbing promotional video Thursday threatening the release of a new album. The video, uploaded to various social media accounts and promoted by rogue cell groups worldwide, displays aggressive-looking members of the group holding up what appears to be a record full of new material. “They don’t appear to be bluffing,” […]

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BERKELEY, CA—The University of California, Berkeley campus has been evacuated and a hazardous materials team has quarantined the specific location where a college student may have been exposed to a worldview different from her own early Thursday. According to firsthand accounts, local freshman Cindi Atherton may have come into contact with a non-progressive opinion when she overheard another […]

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GRAPEVINE, TX—As IRS and US Postal Service investigators swarmed Benny Hinn Ministries’ Grapevine office complex Wednesday, Benny Hinn himself stood nearby, utilizing a difficult, powerful Jedi mind trick on various government agents walking by in an attempt to dissuade them from investigating his ministry any further, sources confirmed. “These aren’t the tax documents you’re looking for,” […]

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BISMARK, ND—Immediately upon learning a G major chord Wednesday afternoon, local man Paul Ellis received a call from the head pastor at his church inviting him to fill the role of worship leader, sources confirmed. The impressive feat reportedly brings his total chord repertoire to four. “I almost discovered the chord by accident,” Ellis told reporters. “I […]

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SYDNEY, AU—A new Hillsong United album promises to ruin over 30 classic hymns, the popular Australian worship group announced Wednesday. The record, entitled Hymns of Victory, features a treasure trove of hymns reworked in the worst possible ways, a band spokesperson confirmed. “We’ve taken almost three dozen time-honored hymns and just absolutely mangled them,” the spokesperson said. […]

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GLENSIDE, PA – According to sources, local Calvinist Patrick Umstead and his wife Emma have argued over his beard since he began growing it out roughly 2 years ago. “It’s gotten really big. It hides half his face,” Emma complained to reporters. “I understand the whole ’emulating Spurgeon’ thing, but I want him to shave it […]

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WORLD—The major prophet Ezekiel has had better seasons, and was informed Tuesday that due to his persistent struggles thus far this year, he will be relocated to the minor league until further notice. “Zeke’s quirky visions and stark calls to repentance haven’t resonated with modern audiences, and we’re hoping a little stretch down in the minors will […]

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U.S.—In a rare display of surrender, scientists across the nation have given up their extensive search to prove that Bill Nye “The Science Guy” is a reliable spokesperson for the principles of scientific inquiry. According to sources, researchers threw in the towel after viewing a recent episode of Nye’s new variety show, Bill Nye Saves […]

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