FONTANA, CA—After his wife and kids reminded him nearly every day for the past week that it was time to put up the Christmas lights, local father Kyle Jackson reluctantly agreed, and committed to have them up in time for St. Patrick's Day, sources at the Jackson household confirmed Friday.

The post Man Assures Family He'll Have Christmas Lights Up In Time For Saint Patrick's Day appeared first on The Babylon Bee.

LOS ANGELES, CA—Elon Musk just announced he'll be scrapping his plans for a tunnel underneath the 405 freeway in Los Angeles after his boring crews delved too greedily and too deep, unearthing a Balrog deep under the city.

The post Elon Musk Cancels Boring Project After Delving Too Deep, Unearthing Balrog appeared first on The Babylon Bee.

SANTA ANA, CA—Southwest Airlines has finally apologized after a mother claimed an employee made fun of her son named "Total Depravity" as they were attempting to board a flight at John Wayne Airport in Orange County.

The post Southwest Airlines Apologizes For Employee Making Fun Of Kid Named 'Total Depravity' appeared first on The Babylon Bee.

HOUSTON, TX—Former president Barack Obama bragged in a speech earlier this week that the Affordable Care Act has greatly reduced healthcare costs by lowering American life expectancy each year.

The post Obama Boasts That Obamacare Has Reduced Health Care Costs By Lowering Life Expectancy: 'Thank Me For That' appeared first on The Babylon Bee.

PINEFALL, NV—In a move designed to attract more of the elusive men's demographic, Church of the Pines debuted its new room for checking your fantasy football team in the middle of the service. The room replaces the old, outdated nursing mothers' room.

The post Church Converts Nursing Mothers' Room Into Room For Checking Your Fantasy Football Team appeared first on The Babylon Bee.

U.S.—An upcoming more politically correct remake of classic Christmas program Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer will have Rudolph immediately sue Santa for discriminating against the color of his nose.

The post In Upcoming Reboot, Rudolph The Red-Nosed Reindeer To Sue Santa Claus For Discrimination appeared first on The Babylon Bee.

WASHINGTON, D.C.—At a matinee showing of The Grinch Thursday, ushers were repeatedly forced to ask Senator Bernie Sanders to please stop loudly cheering for the Grinch as the infamous antihero went from house to house taking people's property.

The post Theater Ushers Ask Bernie Sanders To Please Stop Cheering For The Grinch appeared first on The Babylon Bee.

U.S.—Bible scholars revealed Thursday they've discovered the true identity of the swarm of locusts in the book of Revelation: Twitter.

The post Swarm Of Locusts In Book Of Revelation Revealed To Be Twitter appeared first on The Babylon Bee.

GARY, IN—Local teenager Mark Carson was inundated with a flood of marriage proposals after he casually whipped out his guitar after youth group Sunday afternoon, sources at Cataclysm Youth Collective confirmed.

The post Kid Inundated With Marriage Proposals After Whipping Guitar Out At Youth Group appeared first on The Babylon Bee.

MARS—Cuteness overload alert!

The post Adorable: This Little Critter Crawled Right Up To The Mars Lander And Gave It A Big Hug appeared first on The Babylon Bee.