FLOWER MOUND, TX—While picking up dinner for the family Friday, popular pastor and author Matt Chandler asked if the Chick-fil-A drive-thru employee was tracking with him over forty times as he detailed his order, sources confirmed. “We’re gonna have three of the classic chicken sandwiches, are you tracking with me?” Chandler reportedly asked the teenage […]

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WASHINGTON, D.C.—In a landmark decision, the U.S. Supreme Court bench handed down a ruling Friday approving the death penalty for people who comment on articles without reading them. In the highly publicized case, State of Texas v. Wilbur, state authorities had found internet user Edward Wilbur guilty of posting a comment on a story linked on […]

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VALLEY PASS, VA—Beard-free pastor Jonathan Greenwood, who claimed to be a staunch Calvinist when he was hired at Valley Reformed Church, was reportedly outed as an Arminian spy Friday after a church member saw a copy of Normal Geisler’s Chosen But Free on his desk. Greenwood was immediately placed on probation pending a full church […]

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HOUSTON, TX—A rich, young ruler looking for salvation was proud to announce Thursday that he finally found a place to call home at Lakewood Church. Calling the revelation “powerful” and “moving,” the wealthy, powerful lover of money said he knew Lakewood Church was the place for him after his lifestyle was affirmed and praised by lead […]

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U.S.—With the bloodiest days of fighting behind them, the opposing sides in the War on Christmas have agreed to an uneasy ceasefire, set to expire on November 1 of next year, sources near the front lines confirmed Thursday. “We gained a lot of ground, but the enemy still controls vast swaths of territory,” General Pat […]

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SANTA FE, NM—While milling about in the church foyer Sunday afternoon, you realized too late that the overly friendly lady chatting you up for fifteen minutes was just building up to talk to you about purchasing her various Scentsy products, sources confirmed. “Crap,” you thought to yourself as she pulled out her smartphone to send you […]

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MINNEAPOLIS, MN—Pastor and author John Piper was reportedly crushed to find himself unable to draw any tiles depicting a hyphen during a recent, intense Scrabble match with his wife Noel, sources confirmed Thursday. A crestfallen Piper was totally unable to score a single word during the duel of words and wits, seeing the match go to […]

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NEW YORK, NY—Hot off the business mogul’s election day victory, Donald Trump is already proposing a plan to provide the nation with clean energy throughout all fifty states. The plan reportedly includes as a key component the harnessing of the nation’s abundant supply of liberal tears, the flow of which would be utilized to power […]

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CINCINNATI, OH—Sources have confirmed that the 19-year-old world land speed record was shattered Sunday morning, as local father Gilbert Haskins pushed his family’s 2007 Dodge Caravan to the breaking point, managing to get the sensible minivan up to a top speed of 770 miles per hour as the Haskins family attempted to get to church […]

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Are you in church leadership? If so, you know as well as anyone how tough business is right now. Gone are the days of triple-digit revenue growth and billion-dollar IPOs. But listen—don’t let the challenging marketplace get you down. Instead, get creative. Here are 8 practical ways to get butts in seats and bottom lines […]

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