WASHINGTON D.C.—As President Joe Biden’s first 100 days come to a close, he admitted to the press that he mainly saw his first months in office as a failure, as he was unable to achieve the primary goal of any Democrat: the complete destruction of the United States of America.

The post Biden Admits His First 100 Days Were A Failure Since America Hasn't Been Completely Destroyed Yet appeared first on The Babylon Bee.

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WASHINGTON, D.C.—Many are concerned with Americans' record high obesity rates, which were made even worse by the pandemic and the lockdowns. 

The post Dems Propose Fighting Obesity By Switching To Communism appeared first on The Babylon Bee.

It can be hard to tell what your husband is actually thinking. Is he saying exactly what he thinks? Is he actually thinking about another woman? Would he still love you if you were Mr. Snuffleupagus from Sesame Street? So many questions.

The post 10 Common Things Your Husband Says -- And What He's Actually Thinking appeared first on The Babylon Bee.

WASHINGTON, D.C.—In the wake of a black man from the South expressing optimism about race in America, outraged liberals across the nation are doing everything in their power to crush that kind of positive thinking before it really gets out of hand.

The post Dems Committed To Utterly Destroying Black Man’s Optimism About Race Relations appeared first on The Babylon Bee.

AFTERLIFE—In a statement issued from the afterlife, various Civil War soldiers said that while it was tragic that they had to experience the war that threatened the Republic, they were at least thankful that they weren't around on January 6, 2021, when the absolute worst attack on our democratic ideas occurred.

The post Civil War Soldiers Glad They Didn't Live Long Enough To Experience Horrors Of The January 6th Capitol Riot appeared first on The Babylon Bee.

ISRAEL—Biblical scholars have uncovered an ancient parchment that appears to contain a portion of Father Abraham’s daily diary. The journal indicates that like modern fathers, a large portion of Abraham’s day was spent snuffing out oil lamps that his children had left burning in empty tents.

The Bee has obtained a translation of this important historical document:

Tishri 8: Got the lamp oil bill today. 30 shekels, almost twice as much as last month. Spent most of my day wandering around and snuffing out oil lamps in empty tents. Definitely didn’t think about the lighting bill when God told me my descendants would be as numerous as the stars.

Tishri 9: Kids left the lamps burning again. How hard is it to remember? Last one out of the tent snuffs out the lamp. May have to call a tribe meeting to discuss.

Tishri 10: More lamps left burning. Someone actually left a burning lamp hidden under a bushel. Could hardly see any of the light shining. Seriously, who does that? Tribe meeting tomorrow.

Tishri 11: Lost my temper at the tribe meeting. Told the kids, “When you become the patriarch and start paying the lamp oil bill, you can do what you want. But while you’re living under my tents, you live under my rules!” ​​​​​​

Tishri 14: Another 5 lamps left burning today. My soul is weary. At 175, I’m getting too old for this. I’m ready to breathe my last.

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UNKNOWN LOCATION—Hunter Biden was really worried after hearing his dad was going to begin cracking down on certain drugs. 

The post Hunter Biden Relieved After Learning His Dad Only Cracking Down On Menthol appeared first on The Babylon Bee.

WASHINGTON, D.C.—The Biden administration has announced a ban on pumpkin spice-flavored beverages for the good of the white girl community, sources confirmed Thursday. 

The post For Health Of White Girl Community, Biden Bans Pumpkin Spice Frappuccinos appeared first on The Babylon Bee.