July 31, 2018 at 01:41PM from The Babylon Bee
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SANTA BARBARA,CA—After the straw ban passed in Santa Barbara, one high school chemistry teacher saw a golden opportunity. Strapped for cash and down on his luck, Santa Barbara high school chemistry teacher, Winston Silver found himself in a desperate situation. He was looking for any opportunity to use his teaching or chemistry skills to bring […]

The post Struggling Chemistry Teacher Takes To Life Of Crime Manufacturing Plastic Straws To Sell On Streets Of Santa Barbara appeared first on The Babylon Bee.

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July 31, 2018 at 01:31PM from The Babylon Bee
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WASHINGTON, D.C.—Dispelling rumors that the Supreme Court Justice could be retiring soon, Ruth Bader Ginsburg told reporters that she is “mentally fit enough to serve through the end of President Dwight D. Eisenhower’s term in office.” She made the comments just after her second morning nap, telling the press “not to worry” about her mental […]

The post Ginsburg: ‘I Am Mentally Fit Enough To Serve Through The End Of President Eisenhower’s Term’ appeared first on The Babylon Bee.

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July 31, 2018 at 11:00AM from The Babylon Bee
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So you’re finally tying the knot after courting for the biblical period of fourteen years. Congratulations! While most people would be struggling with picking out floral patterns, colors, dresses, and hashtags right about now, you’re lucky—no, you’re chosen. Because you’ve clicked on this article, so you have The Babylon Bee on your side. Here are 10 hot tips […]

The post 10 Tips For Planning The Perfect Christian Wedding appeared first on The Babylon Bee.

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July 31, 2018 at 09:22AM from The Babylon Bee
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DALLAS, TX—Calling the lack of civil conversations in our country “appalling,” local man Bud Howard complained to news reporters Monday that no one would have a “calm, rational discussion” with him, as he wore an “Own the Libs” T-shirt and had an AR-15 strapped to his back. The man decried the “death of civility” even […]

The post Man Wearing ‘Own The Libs’ Shirt, Wielding AR-15 Complains Liberals Won’t Have ‘Civil Discussion’ With Him appeared first on The Babylon Bee.

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July 31, 2018 at 09:12AM from The Babylon Bee
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U.S.—Sources at church confirmed that the guy sitting behind you was “really going for” the harmony on that worship song you were singing Sunday. While everyone else in the service was content to simply do a passable rendition of the song’s familiar melody, this guy was belting it out “like he was auditioning for American […]

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July 30, 2018 at 09:18PM from The Babylon Bee
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SAN FRANCISCO, CA—Twitter users around the world are reporting that an ominous warning has suddenly appeared in the Compose Tweet box: “Hello. Strange Game. The only winning move is not to tweet.” The bizarre message then suggests that users do “literally anything else” instead of use the platform. Engineers at the social media company aren’t […]

The post Ominous Warning Suddenly Appears To All Twitter Users: ‘The Only Winning Move Is Not To Tweet’ appeared first on The Babylon Bee.

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July 30, 2018 at 12:40PM from The Babylon Bee
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WASHINGTON, D.C.—Trump’s employers, the people of the United States of America, have asked him to resign after critics dug up crass, offensive tweets he posted just hours ago. Several Twitter users searched Trump’s recent Twitter history and found deluded all-caps missives fired off to hostile foreign powers, repulsive insults slung against anyone who disagreed with […]

The post Trump Fired After Critics Dig Up Current Tweets appeared first on The Babylon Bee.

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July 30, 2018 at 11:56AM from The Babylon Bee
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LANDOVER, MD—The Obamas took an evening to celebrate their “historic” legacy on advocating for women by attending a Jay-Z and Beyonce concert over the weekend, excited concertgoers reported. Fellow Jay-Z fans recorded the former president and his wife jamming along to the songs of the rapper with a history of violent, crass, and crude language […]

The post Obamas Celebrate Historic Legacy On Women’s Rights By Attending Jay-Z Concert appeared first on The Babylon Bee.

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July 30, 2018 at 11:14AM from The Babylon Bee
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PROVIDENCE, RI—According to sources close to local man Anthony Anderson, the single man who neither has kids nor has any plans to get married and produce children stays up late into the evening debating the merits of paedobaptism on the internet. The armchair theologian posts memes, jokes, and fallacious arguments about whether or not Christians […]

The post Single, Childless Man Debating Paedobaptism On Internet Late Into Night appeared first on The Babylon Bee.

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July 30, 2018 at 10:46AM from The Babylon Bee
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SAN FRANCISCO, CA—In response to an increase in angry mobs combing the platform for old tweets to try to cause someone to lose their job, Twitter has introduced a timed auto-delete option for your tweets so a bad joke you make now won’t come back and haunt you, getting you fired in a decade or […]

The post Twitter Rolls Out Automatic Tweet Deletion So You Won’t Get Fired In 10 Years appeared first on The Babylon Bee.

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