FRANKLIN, TN—Just in time for the 500th anniversary of the Protestant Reformation, sources confirmed Tuesday that singer/songwriter Chris Tomlin has released his new version of Martin Luther’s classic hymn A Mighty Fortress Is Our God containing a new ten-minute chorus. The song known as the “battle hymn of the Reformation” received some much needed updates […]

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MOUNTAIN VIEW, CA—In a move showing remarkable veneration for one of the most pivotal events in human history, internet search giant Google marked the 500th anniversary of the Protestant Reformation by not making any mention of it at all on its home page. The corporation, which often pays homage to significant birthdays, holidays, and historic […]

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VATICAN CITY—The Roman Catholic Church is celebrating Reformation Day in style, by offering thousands of hot deals on indulgences for the forgiveness of the temporal punishments for sin in purgatory. A crazed-looking Pope Francis ran an infomercial throughout the day Tuesday, marking the 500th anniversary of the Protestant Reformation by offering hourly lightning deals on […]

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REDDING, CA—Unfortunate Charismatic man Robert Wade reportedly received the “totally boring” gift of hospitality as his God-given spiritual gift at a prophecy service Sunday evening. A man with the “really cool” gift of prophecy reportedly moved throughout the room at Wade’s church and read each member’s aura to determine which spiritual gift the Holy Spirit […]

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SAN DIMAS, CA—Nutritionists reported Monday they are “totally baffled” by local youth pastor Kyle “Krazy 8” Brenton, as the minister to high schoolers has survived entirely on pizza and mountain dew for the past thirteen years. Brenton reportedly consumes the high-calorie, high-fat food and sugar-saturated beverages at breakfast, lunch, and dinner, not once getting a […]

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NEW YORK, NY—While other news organizations are reporting on the indictments coming down on former top Trump campaign officials, conservative media outlet Fox News chimed in Monday morning to confirm there is absolutely no news going on today. “We checked with all our top news people, exhausted all of our most trusted sources, and they […]

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MENLO PARK, CA—Stating that the functionality was being underused by the demographic, a representative for popular social network Facebook issued a reminder Friday to romantically involved couples using the site that the private messaging feature still exists. Speaking at a press conference, a representative for the network calmly pointed out that the site does contain […]

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Sometimes truth is stranger than fiction! Joel Osteen’s new book, Blessed In The Darkness, is finally available for sale. It’s sure to land on the New York Times bestseller lists and earn lots of money and fame for good ol’ Pastor Osteen, if his previous works are any indication. But here’s where things get really […]

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CHARLOTTE, NC—Sources within Elevation Church confirmed Friday that, moving forward, they will publish all of Pastor Steven Furtick’s words in their church bulletin in red. “It’s about giving our great leader the reverence he deserves,” said Matt Marshall, an assistant to one of Furtick’s assistants, adding that the pastor’s words carry a special weight of […]

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SAN FRANCISCO, CA—Confirming he had never watched the terrifying depictions of corporate technology present in Terminator 2, Blade Runner, Minority Report, or any other classic science fiction film, local man Dick Philips voiced his full support for the new Amazon Key smart lock system Friday. “What could possibly go wrong, giving a massive corporation access […]

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