It's official: 2020 was the worst year ever, except for almost all the other years in human history! Will 2021 be a better year? Take a look at the Babylon Bee's official list of infallible predictions for next year and decide for yourself! 

The post The Babylon Bee's Predictions For 2021 appeared first on The Babylon Bee.

U.S.—Many Americans, in anticipation of a $600 government-issued stimulus check, have treated themselves to a brand new gun. Now that President Trump is calling instead for $2000 checks, gun stores are struggling to keep up with customers returning their $600 guns and purchasing $2000 guns. 

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KANSAS CITY, MO—According to sources, local man Jason Greenman is enjoying his last few days of living like an utterly debased and filthy slob before his anticipated turnaround comes on January 1st. 

The post Man Has A Few Days Left To Be A Disgusting Slob Before Completely Turning Life Around On January 1st appeared first on The Babylon Bee.

1. Propose at church camp. You just met her 5 days ago, and now you're guaranteed literally weeks of happiness together.
2. Never fall for the old 7-years-of-hard-labor trick. This is a classic tactic among wily fathers-in-law. They get you to work the field for seven years and then give you the wrong woman. D'oh!
3. Skip the ring -- just get her a nice Bible commentary instead. Charm is deceptive and beauty is fleeting, so she doesn’t need more of that anyway. Consider giving her a MacArthur commentary so she can learn to fear the Lord! Chicks dig dispensationalism!
4. Propose in a biblical way, like by giving her father hundreds of Philistine foreskins. You'll win over her heart and the heart of her father at the same time with this great gift.
5. Don’t ask her to marry you. Tell her instead. After all, a good wife is supposed to submit to the husband in everything. This is a good early test to give while you can still back out!
6. Commit to no sidehugs before marriage. Save that for your wedding night.
7. Don't get down on one knee, lest she think you're protesting racial injustice. This action is reserved for protesting during the National Anthem. It’s also cultural appropriation of formerly employed NFL quarterbacks. EXCEPTION: If you’re proposing while the National Anthem plays at an NFL game, this is acceptable.
8. Make sure you perfectly document the moment on social media, even if you have to redo it thirty-seven times. The Bible says it doesn't count without witnesses, and there's no better way to get witnesses than to take the perfect photos for Instagram.
9. Don’t take her to a nearby park while she’s visiting you at your parents' house, then start going through a book full of conversations to have before engagement only to feign getting distracted by this Babylon Bee article which you read to this point before stopping, then tell her that you love her and propose. This one may seem oddly specific, but don’t question it. It’s as important as all the other reasons.
10. Propose by bribing the Babylon Bee writers to publish an article for you. This is a great idea! Write an article with a title like "10 Tips for Proposing to your Girlfriend," pay The Babylon Bee writers well, and then convince your girlfriend to sit down with you and read the article during your daily Babylon Bee devotionals. She'll definitely say yes if you try this one!

So there you have it! Follow these tips -- especially numbers 9 and 10 -- and this could be the beginning of a beautiful rest of your life together! 

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GARDEN OF EDEN—Twitter has slapped a warning label on God's claim that Adam and Eve will surely die if they eat of the tree of the knowledge of good and evil.

The post Twitter Fact-Checks God's Claim That Adam And Eve Will Surely Die If They Eat The Forbidden Fruit appeared first on The Babylon Bee.

WASHINGTON, D.C.—Congress has sent a stimulus bill to President Donald Trump to sign, but Trump has denounced the bill as “inadequate.” Trump is now demanding that more stimulus is added to the bill, particularly that needy presidential candidates be awarded 8 million more votes for president.

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WASHINGTON, D.C.—In a stunning miracle, congresspeople just emerged from negotiations over 2.3 trillion loaves and fishes, somehow turning the trillions of morsels of food into enough meals for just five people.

An exhausted Nancy Pelosi (D-CA) and Mitch McConnell (R-KY) held up the small basket so crowds of unemployed citizens could witness perhaps the most historic event in the history of mankind, in which countless loaves and fishes given by those same citizens were magically transformed into, like, four or five measly meals.

“This is significant,” noted a sweating Pelosi, surely weary after working nearly 40 hours per week for what must have felt like three weeks. “You won’t find anyone in history who could pull off such a biblical feat.” The representative from the utopian state of California then pulled from the basket a coupon for $5 off at Applebee’s and held it aloft before the jobless masses.

The legislators then negotiated with multiple government administrations to oversee the distribution of the basket through the crowd standing directly in front of them. Distribution of the food cost billions, according to official reports.

The lone recipients of the divine intervention—a family of five—tearfully praised their democratic representatives for taking a mere seven months to perform such a miracle. “I don’t know what to do with all of this food,” said the husband. “The government has provided my family with enough to last, I don’t know, maybe two days. Praise heavens!”

His wife, overcome with joy, added, “Wow, whichever economic theory advocating that the means of production, distribution, and exchange be owned or regulated by the community as a whole, which inevitably cedes all powers and freedoms to a bloated, inefficient, and corrupt centralized government, works way better than the dumb system in which a government allows for citizens to take control of their own lives through private ownership, personal responsibility, and providing honestly for their families.”

“Our work here is done,” said Senator McConnell as a soft glow surrounded his countenance. “Now we must go to our place of rest for a time until the needy of this country call for us again. Farewell!” The senator and other legislators were then taken up into the heavens by private jets to far off vacation destinations.

The post Miracle: Government Feeds Five People With Just 2.3 Trillion Loaves And Fishes appeared first on The Babylon Bee.

U.S.—In order to receive the help they need after the government shut down their businesses and forced them to stay home, many clever Americans have disguised themselves as foreigners in hopes of receiving more COVID aid.

The post Clever American Disguises Self As Transgender Middle Easterner In Hopes Of Receiving More COVID Aid appeared first on The Babylon Bee.

U.S.—Now that Congress has passed a relief package to give a life-changing sum of $600 to American citizens, retailers and restaurants are preparing to adjust for the runaway inflation that will follow due to printing trillions of dollars. To celebrate the changing times, McDonald's has announced its latest hot menu item: the McStimulus.

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For the third year in a row, The Babylon Bee is proud to present our coveted Christian of the Year award to Donald J. Trump.

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