EL PASO, TX — With the ongoing migrant crisis along the southern border of the United States, President Joe Biden has taken decisive action and announced he is deploying U.S. military personnel to the border to stop the state of Texas from securing the border.

CARMEL, IN — When asked about the viral social media topic, former Vice President Mike Pence told reporters that he refuses to think about the Roman Empire unless his wife is present.

BEND, OR — What began as a pleasant weekend evening in the Belnap household quickly soured due to husband Lance's relational ineptitude. Trisha had grown frustrated that he did not realize she wanted him to be quiet and also talk to her and also leave her alone and also come and talk to her.

EDORAS — According to Chief Counselor Gríma Wormtongue, King Théoden is doing more than any other king to stop orc invasions and everyone really needs to stop bothering him about it.

EAGLE PASS, TX — As the migrant crisis along the southern U.S. border continued to intensify, a new threat emerged, leading the Biden administration to warn the populace of the presence of a dangerous African immigrant sighted at the border.

WASHINGTON, D.C. — Senator Dianne Feinstein has passed away at 90 years old. In the wake of the tragic news, her estate confirmed to reporters that her death will in no way affect her re-election campaign.

LOS ANGELES, CA — Sushi and Japanese steakhouse Benihana offered pop superstar Britney Spears an attractive offer to come work as one of their famed Hibachi chefs after the singer posted a video online this week of her dancing and gyrating with two large steak knives in her hands.

WASHINGTON, D.C. — After another horrendously embarrassing day of gaffes for President Biden, White House aides decided to try removing his brain, blowing on it, then sticking it back in.

WASHINGTON, D.C. — With the first Biden impeachment inquiry underway, Democrats reprimanded Republicans for pouncing on a decent old man, insisting the impeachment was just a waste of time because Biden would probably be dead in a few weeks anyway.

SACRAMENTO, CA — In a statement given to a roomful of waitstaff at The French Laundry, California Governor Gavin Newsom declared California to be the freest state in the Union, and warned that anyone who disagreed would be arrested.