May 31, 2017 at 12:40PM from The Babylon Bee
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LANSING, MI—After secretly viewing a recent trailer for HBO’s hit epic fantasy series Game of Thrones on his computer at work, local believer Mike Laswell reported Wednesday that he is really looking forward to a seventh season of acting like he doesn’t watch the show whenever he is interacting with his Christian friends and family. […]

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May 31, 2017 at 10:46AM from The Babylon Bee
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LOS ANGELES, CA—Kathy Griffin, who sources describe as a comedian, apologized Tuesday for publishing a gruesome photo to social media which falsely depicts herself as someone with current political and social relevance. The image of Ms. Griffin holding a bloodied, severed head in the likeness of President Donald Trump stirred immediate controversy, as Americans were violently […]

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May 30, 2017 at 03:06PM from The Babylon Bee
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SCOTTSDALE, AZ—Christian film studio and distributor Pure Flix announced Monday a new wave of barely watchable movies has been added to its streaming services. The new agreement signed with several Christian film vendors combined with over three dozen original new Pure Flix efforts will result in hundreds of new faith-based, painfully bad movies streamed straight to your living room. […]

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May 30, 2017 at 02:10PM from The Babylon Bee
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STANFORD, CA—A new study, performed by researchers at the Stanford University School of Medicine, indicates that the Calvinist body is comprised of up to 72% craft beer. The study found that high-quality microbrews most often begin coursing through a person’s veins while encountering a Kevin DeYoung, Paul Washer, or R. C. Sproul sermon for the […]

. . . finish reading Study: Calvinists Comprised Of 72% Craft Beer.

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May 30, 2017 at 12:24PM from The Babylon Bee
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SACRAMENTO, CA—In a blow to believers across the west coast, a new assembly bill signed into law by Governor Jerry Brown Tuesday will require Christians in the State to register Bibles of all sizes, shapes, and translation version as “assault weapons.” Many national public safety groups and political action committees praised the new law, saying […]

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May 30, 2017 at 10:42AM from The Babylon Bee
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NEW YORK, NY—Renowned serial killer George “The Bronx Monster” Sutton, who terrorized New York and surrounding areas in the 1990s before being caught and sentenced to fourteen consecutive life sentences, was pardoned by a federal judge Tuesday after his attorney explained that murder was “really only about 3%” of what he did during his reign of […]

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May 29, 2017 at 02:16PM from The Babylon Bee
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APOPKA, FL—In honor of Memorial Day, televangelist Paula White is offering up to 50% off salvation and related products through Monday night, with the purchase of one salvation of equal or lesser value. The deal is available online or at White’s New Destiny Christian Center megachurch, which installed a giant inflatable gorilla on the megachurch’s […]

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May 29, 2017 at 11:34AM from The Babylon Bee
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U.S.—Reviving the long-standing feud between the two hip-hop artists that began as an argument over royalties from their 1993 hit collaboration “Addicted to Jesus,” Carman blasted TobyMac Monday with a savage new diss track released on Sound Cloud called “TobyWac,” sending the internet into a flurry. The song takes TobyMac to task for his musical abilities: […]

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May 29, 2017 at 10:52AM from The Babylon Bee
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186.124.100.126:56895—An enlightened, freethinking NPC on a lightly modded Minecraft server announced Monday that he denies the existence of Notch and the team at Mojang, explaining that he doesn’t see any evidence of design in the clearly designed game world around him. “My current working theory is that this digital landscape spontaneously created itself around 20 […]

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May 26, 2017 at 02:46PM from The Babylon Bee
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NEW YORK, NY—Supreme Leader of North Korea Kim Jong-un arrived at Planned Parenthood’s New York offices Friday on a diplomatic mission to learn from the abortion provider’s legendary methods of manipulating the media and covering up human rights atrocities, sources confirmed. “In North Korea, we are usually the best at everything,” the ruthless dictator told […]

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