MARQUETTE, MI–Local man Wesley Muir is in big trouble with his wife. According to reports, around 5 a.m. on Monday, Muir made the costly mistake of using one of his wife’s 72 shampoos.

The post Man Busted Using One Of His Wife’s 72 Shampoos appeared first on The Babylon Bee.

DES MOINES, IA—In general, Americans couldn't care less what Iowans think, say, or do. However, early in election years, the nation turns its attention to this midwestern state, which is believed to be somewhere near the Mississippi River.

The post Iowa Prepares To Matter appeared first on The Babylon Bee.

U.K.—Brexit day is here and the U.K. is leaving the European Union. Prime Minister Boris Johnson signed the proper documents, toasted a few wine glasses, then stepped out onto the ocean shore. He proceeded to pull out a large conch shell and blow into it, sending a low, warm trumpeting tone across the waves, summoning a massive herd of manatees all strapped to the island and prepared to carry it away to new, uncharted waters.

The post Boris Johnson Blows Conch Shell, England Carried Away By Herd Of Manatees appeared first on The Babylon Bee.

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Well, this can't be good: the coronavirus is spreading faster than support for socialism, and it's only slightly less deadly. It's important to take precautions to avoid both the coronavirus and socialism, so we've thrown together this little explainer to help you navigate this frightening potential pandemic. We asked for advice from a lady who sells essential oils at our church and a woman on Facebook who posts about "gut health" a lot, so you can be sure this is incredibly accurate.

The post The Bee Explains: Coronavirus appeared first on The Babylon Bee.

This could be worrying: the Bernie Sanders campaign has enlisted thousands of volunteers to text people and ask if they're voting for Bernie. This is a common tactic among campaigns with strong grassroots support.

The post Uh-Oh: Sanders Campaign Texting 'Gulag For You' To People Who Aren't Voting For Bernie appeared first on The Babylon Bee.

UNITED KINGDOM—As Brexit was finalized today, millions of Britons instantly dropped dead.

The post Millions Drop Dead As Brexit Finalized appeared first on The Babylon Bee.

U.S.—This could be a bad sign: more and more Chinese restaurants in the U.S. are handing out fortune cookies that just read "Death by coronavirus."

The post Time To Panic? More Chinese Restaurants Handing Out Fortune Cookies That Just Say 'Death By Coronavirus' appeared first on The Babylon Bee.

ATLANTA, GA—CNN has announced a new "Two Minutes Hate" segment airing every morning.

The post CNN Announces Daily 'Two Minutes Hate' Segment appeared first on The Babylon Bee.

HELL—Jeffrey Epstein has been released from hell after coming out as transgender, sources in the afterlife confirmed today.

The post Epstein Released From Hell After Announcing He Is Transgender appeared first on The Babylon Bee.