ANN ARBOR, MI—Janice Donaldson, thirty-year-old schoolteacher and Don Lemon superfan, forlornly looked out her bedroom window, wondering if the day would ever come when she could safely leave the confines of her well-Cloroxed home.

The post Sad: Biden Supporter Doesn’t Realize Nation Already Back To Normal Outside Window appeared first on The Babylon Bee.

U.S.—Americans are mourning today after the Senate announced they have agreed on a deal to continue funding the government for a few more months. 

The post Nation In Mourning As Government Shutdown Averted appeared first on The Babylon Bee.

WASHINGTON, D.C.—The CDC today issued a reminder for Americans to trust healthcare professionals when learning about the vaccine—except if said doctor disagrees with the government, in which case he should be ignored and fired.

The post CDC Reminds People To Listen To All Medical Professionals Except For The Tens Of Thousands Who Refused The Vaccine appeared first on The Babylon Bee.

NEW YORK CITY, NY—“I haven’t told a funny joke in a very, very long time,” quipped CBS Evening News Anchor Stephen Colbert wistfully to his staff, who nodded in agreement while producing a serious video essay about how all forms of wrongthink inevitably lead people of all races to espouse white supremacy.

The post After 5-Year Stint In Evening News, Stephen Colbert To Consider Return To Comedy appeared first on The Babylon Bee.

Seattle, WA - Unsatisfied with control of 83% of the global book market, Amazon today introduced a new robot for the home that could recognize and yeet any books containing misinformation, whether they were bought from the corner bookstore, borrowed from Dennis Prager, or dug up from your prepper cousin’s time capsule stash that you were sure was a crazy idea three years ago.

The post Amazon Introduces Alexa-Powered Robot That Can Slap Controversial Books Out Of Your Hand appeared first on The Babylon Bee.

It is now Halloween season, so as parents you must be on alert for threats to your children. This year, make sure to carefully check your kids’ candy before they eat it, being especially on the lookout for vaccination needles.

The post PSA: If You Have Liberals In Your Neighborhood, Remember To Check Your Kids' Halloween Candy For Hidden Vaccines appeared first on The Babylon Bee.

LOS ANGELES, CA—After a judge ended her conservatorship, Britney Spears is free to leave her home and walk freely in California for the first time in 12 years. Unfortunately, she had no idea that California has become a post-apocalyptic dystopia.

The post Newly Freed Britney Spears Bewildered As She Steps Out Into Post-Apocalyptic Wasteland Of California appeared first on The Babylon Bee.

LOS ANGELES, CA—James Bond fans around the world breathed a sigh of relief this week as Paramount Studios announced that the next iteration of the beloved British superspy will still be a male character played by a man.

The post James Bond To Stay Male, Will Be Played By Elliot Page appeared first on The Babylon Bee.

SAN BRUNO, CA—In an effort to prevent the spread of anti-vax misinformation, YouTube has announced that all videos that have ever been uploaded to their platform will be removed, except that one video that shows Steven Colbert dancing will people dressed as vaccines. 

The post YouTube To Ban All Videos Except The One Showing Stephen Colbert Dancing With People Dressed As Vaccines appeared first on The Babylon Bee.

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