U.S. — To avoid any future delays in sending billions of taxpayer dollars and deadly weapons to Ukraine, Treasury Secretary Janet Yellen has decided to make things easier and give President Zelensky the key to the U.S. Treasury.

SPENCER, NE — Local man Ryan Lewis rushed to Amazon to award a 5-star review to the random fantasy novel he picked up from a local thrift store when he discovered that it didn't just have a fantasy map — it had a fantasy map that folds out.

PORTLAND, OR — A local man who recently completed his transition to living as if he were a woman immediately regretted his decision to do so after seeing the line for the ladies' room at a large public event last night.

GEORGIA — After hearing that a black bear did epic amounts of cocaine somewhere in the forests of Georgia, Hunter Biden quickly gathered his camping gear and started driving south.

LEWISVILLE, TX — In a move privacy advocates are hailing as historic, Texas's state legislature has passed a batch of new laws allowing civilians to shoot Google Maps camera cars on sight.

SPENCER, NE — Local man Ryan Lewis rushed to Amazon to award a 5-star review to the random fantasy novel he picked up from a local thrift store when he discovered that it didn't just have a fantasy map — it had a fantasy map that folds out.

NEW JERUSALEM — Reports coming down from on high confirm Heaven will feature a fully stocked Buc-ee's convenience store and gas station. Saints will be able to fill up on delicious Beaver Nuggets and brisket sandwiches before evacuating their heavenly bowels in the world-famous restrooms.

BISMARCK, ND — According to sources, local man and news connoisseur Dave Rorsh has begun keeping track of the daily news by just looking up 2-year-old posts on obscure conspiracy theory blogs.