August 31, 2018 at 01:06PM from The Babylon Bee
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U.S.—As midterms rapidly approach, Democrats are turning to a sound strategy that’s worked wonders for them in the past: declaring boycotts of beloved restaurants serving delicious food. While liberal activists have previously called for boycotts of Chick-fil-A, a move that proved to endear Americans to their cause, Eric Bauman, the chair of California’s Democratic Party, decided […]

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August 31, 2018 at 12:22PM from The Babylon Bee
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SEATTLE, WA—Responding to high demand from the 18-45-year-old Caucasian female demographic, Starbucks has kicked off its annual pumpkin spice season with a new shot of the flavor in a handy syringe, so you can just inject it directly into your bloodstream. The shots come in sizes ranging from tall (meaning small), grande (meaning medium), to […]

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August 31, 2018 at 12:13PM from The Babylon Bee
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ENCINITAS, CA—To the delight of the band’s Christian fans, Switchfoot has released a brand-new “implicit worship” album, packed with tracks heavily implying that the band is worshiping Jesus in the lyrics. The songs invite you to sing along to complex metaphors involving entropy and things caving in, implicitly worshiping the Lord through several layers of […]

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August 31, 2018 at 11:25AM from The Babylon Bee
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BALTIMORE, MD—Local man Nick Dreyer confessed to his pastor Friday that he’s been faking his sickness for the past seven years just to keep the church meal train coming. Dreyer has simply pretended to have a cold the entire time, just so the church would keep dropping off free casseroles and potato salads at his […]

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August 31, 2018 at 10:31AM from The Babylon Bee
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VATICAN CITY—As scandals continued to erupt around Pope Francis, Catholic faith in the Supreme Pontiff quickly plummeted, prompting the College of Cardinals to elect a new pope to replace him. Knowing the Church needed a major shift in theology and practice, the Cardinals turned to an unlikely candidate to replace Francis: pastor and author John […]

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August 31, 2018 at 08:50AM from The Babylon Bee
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NEW YORK, NY—In an interview on Meet the Press Sunday, Democratic congressional candidate Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez scolded American leaders for not setting the minimum wage as high as Venezuela, whose hyper-inflated currency is forcing minimum wage increases all year long. Ocasio-Cortez then pointed out that if we would just raise the minimum wage to somewhere in […]

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August 30, 2018 at 12:16PM from The Babylon Bee
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U.S.—A newly released Christian navigation app, drawing on Google’s location services, is now available for both Android and iOS. The app will only give you directions to your church and Chick-fil-A locations in your area. The goal of the app, developer HipFaith explains, is to make sure Christians only go to approved safe spaces for […]

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August 30, 2018 at 11:10AM from The Babylon Bee
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PROVIDENCE, RI—Personnel working at the newly formed “Department of Truth” at Brown University dutifully loaded up the official department furnace with a massive pile of science textbooks, curriculum, and educational videos that teach that boys are boys and girls are girls. The order to burn the material came down after transgender activists protested Brown’s recent […]

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August 30, 2018 at 09:57AM from The Babylon Bee
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WASHINGTON, D.C.—At a small ceremony in the West Wing of the White House, officials pulled down a curtain revealing the portrait of this month’s winner of the White House’s Employee of the Month award, and for the 19th consecutive time, the winner was President Donald Trump. “In your face!” Trump shouted at janitor Steve Thompson, […]

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August 30, 2018 at 09:31AM from The Babylon Bee
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NASHVILLE, TN—Relevant Neo-logians of America (RNA) released their newest version of the Bible this week, and one addition in particular is causing major waves. “With the rise of female entrepreneurship in the 21st century, we felt the ‘Proverbs 31 woman’ needed an update,” said RNA’s spokesperson. “I mean, what even is a ‘distaff?’” The latest […]

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