WASHINGTON, D.C. — First, there were the loaves and the fishes. Then came the Trump Presidency. Now, the United States has been blessed to witness another miracle, as President Biden has ended the same COVID-19 pandemic three times in a row.

ASHEVILLE, NC — According to sources, local gay couple Garth Millens and Chaz Nimby have begun the process of shopping for a brand-new designer baby to adopt as their own — hopefully one that matches their shoes and will look fetching when they're walking with it down Grove Street.

WASHINGTON, D.C. — First, there were the loaves and the fishes. Then came the Trump Presidency. Now, the United States has been blessed to witness another miracle, as President Biden has ended the same COVID-19 pandemic three times in a row.

ASHEVILLE, NC — According to sources, local gay couple Garth Millens and Chaz Nimby have begun the process of shopping for a brand-new designer baby to adopt as their own — hopefully one that matches their shoes and will look fetching when they're walking with it down Grove Street.

U.S. — Famous YouTube personality MrBeast is being criticized after his latest YouTube video revealed he had spent millions to pay for surgeries to cure blindness in 1000 patients — money that could have been used to send more tanks and artillery to Ukraine.

A healthy prayer life is essential for Christians and the prayer circle is scientifically proven to be the most effective way of praying. Forming an actual circle by holding hands may not be required, but it makes your prayer 10% more audible to God.

PHILADELPHIA, PA — Following a season-ending playoff blowout at the hands of the Philadelphia Eagles, members of the San Francisco 49ers were quick to point out that the game's officiating team was clearly to blame for the 31-7 trouncing.

NEW ROCHELLE, NY — Former late-night talk show host Jay Leno had a wild and wacky ride on his most recent pogo stick excursion, according to sources. While navigating a staircase, Leno took a slip on a banana peel and bounced down 175 steps, ultimately landing on a cactus.

FINLAND — Despite making history as the first trans figure skater, 57-year-old trans woman Minna-Maaria Antikainen clumsily fell and needed assistance rising from the ice amid swelling orchestral music and spotlights last week. Analysts say Antikainen's strategy was "ill-advised" because it involved a biological male picking the one sport where biological women have a natural advantage.

U.S. — Famous YouTube personality MrBeast is being criticized after his latest YouTube video revealed he had spent millions to pay for surgeries to cure blindness in 1000 patients — money that could have been used to send more tanks and artillery to Ukraine.