U.S. — Good news, Christian! A new study shows that you have chosen the one and only completely correct branch of the Christian faith! You are one of the very few correct ones, everyone who disagrees with you is pathetically wrong, and you are one of God's preferred children.

ONTARIO, CA — In a stunning display of patience and self-control, local husband, Mark Elgin, endured an excruciating evening as he watched his beloved wife, Sarah, repeatedly send her Mario character plummeting into the same lava pit 597 consecutive times.

CHICAGO, IL — With the month of June coming to a close and various consumer brands across the retail spectrum looking for ways to differentiate themselves in a non-Pride Month marketplace, makers of the popular sports drink Gatorade have announced the product will be switching its name back to Straightorade.

TALLAHASSEE, FL — Florida Governor and presidential hopeful Ron DeSantis has passed a law that will award citizens $10,000 for using the wrong pronouns on an individual. The law will take effect on the same day as Michigan's new law that makes using wrong pronouns a felony with a fine of up to $10,000.

IRVINE, CA — Jubilant revelry broke out yesterday following the U.S. Supreme Court's ruling against colleges using Affirmative Action policies in their admissions, with Asian American families celebrating by cutting loose with a five-minute study break.

As we all know firsthand, maintaining an international bribery operation is hard work. Keeping the money flowing in without getting busted by the authorities can be tricky.

WILMINGTON, DE — According to sources, President Biden's son Hunter was seen over the weekend dropping off another truckload of salacious family secrets and criminal evidence at the local Goodwill donation center, as is his custom.

SACRAMENTO, CA — It was announced this week that New York City would be cracking down on emissions from coal and wood-burning pizza ovens. Not to be outdone, California Governor Gavin Newsom has taken restrictions even further in the Golden State by requiring all pizzas to only be baked using the sun and a magnifying glass.

WASHINGTON, D.C. — As a sign of ongoing commitment and support for Ukraine in its war against Russia, American President Joe Biden has announced he is officially canceling the 2024 elections.

HOLLYWOOD, CA — Following the release of the latest chapter in the Indiana Jones series, Hollywood producers worry they're running out of cherished classic movie heroes to turn into sad, pathetic, old failures.