Many transphobic conservatives will refuse to send their sons and daughters to drag queen story hour just because they don't want a grown man in lingerie spending time with their kids. But did you know there are many benefits to drag shows?

PORTLAND, OR — An age-old tradition continued today as a newly hired restaurant hostess received her ceremonial nose ring in front of her colleagues following the end of her initial shift.

SAN FRANCISCO, CA — In a shocking statement to police, Paul Pelosi claimed that he was assaulted by a man who threw hammers at him while shouting, "THIS IS MAGA COUNTRY!"

NEW BRAUNFELS, TX — With the arrival of Halloween, local parents are engaged in their annual tradition of buying giant bags of candy to give away to trick-or-treaters on their doorstep while simultaneously sending their own costumed children out to go door-to-door to collect giant bags of candy.

CLEVELAND, OH — According to sources, local parents Josh and Madelyn Bledge are sitting on their back porch relishing the crisp fall air and looking on lovingly as their kids frolic in a pile of autumn leaves and dog poop.

WASHINGTON, D.C. — Halloween got off to a rocky start at the White House Monday when President Joe Biden complimented Dylan Mulvaney on his girl costume. The TikTok star, who sat for an interview with the commander-in-chief just last week, was reportedly unable to convince the president that he was not in costume.

U.S. — Experts say they remain baffled at the phenomenon of candy manufacturers still insisting on making flavors other than the undisputed best flavor of all time: green apple.

HEAVEN — According to sources from the eternal realm, Jesus knows exactly what your church's so-called "Harvest Festival" really is.

We have all had to hold back on Twitter over the past several years, as even the most benignly contrarian take could land you in Twitter jail. Well, it's finally sinking in that Elon Musk has taken the helm, and here are ten controversial things you can now say on Twitter to prove it:

LEHI, UT — A local attorney specializing in heated, bitter divorces has seen his business thrive since he set up shop at the exit of his local IKEA store. This convenient location has provided him with a plethora of couples who had been happily married before entering the store, but were now more than ready to throw in the VÅGSJÖN™ bath towel.