U.S.—The Golden Globes were once again nearly unwatched this year, as apparently, no one wants to tune in to watch a bunch of celebrities tune in to watch each other compliment each other virtually. Or in person, for that matter.

The post Golden Globes Ratings Recover After Ricky Gervais Hacks Broadcast appeared first on The Babylon Bee.

ORLANDO, FL—Sources at CPAC are confirming that former president Donald Trump just rode into the conference triumphantly on the back of a donkey, claiming kingship over the conservative movement for all eternity.

The post 'Hosanna! Hosanna!' Trump Triumphantly Rides Into CPAC On Back Of A Donkey appeared first on The Babylon Bee.

Hey, you! Yeah, you!

The post Report: Stop Looking At Your Phone And Pay Attention To The Sermon appeared first on The Babylon Bee.

WASHINGTON, D.C.—In a historic compromise, Democrats in Congress have conceded to allow limited constitutional protections for unborn babies as three-fifths of a person.

The post Democrats Offer Compromise That Unborn Babies Are Three-Fifths Of A Person appeared first on The Babylon Bee.

WASHINGTON, D.C.—During an intense round of questioning from senators on Capitol Hill, Assistant HHS Secretary Nominee Rachel Levine refused to answer Rand Paul's intense line of questioning as to whether young children should be allowed to stick a knife in a toaster while it's plugged in. 

The post HHS Nominee Says Kids Should Decide For Themselves Whether To Stick A Knife In A Toaster appeared first on The Babylon Bee.

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—With many voters around the country disappointed that Biden hasn't given them $2,000 yet, Trump seized the political opportunity to promise that if he's elected in 2024, he will ensure every American receives a stimulus check for $2,001 dollars. 

The post Trump Promises To Give Everyone $2,001 Checks If He's Elected President Again appeared first on The Babylon Bee.

SHREVEPORT, LA—According to sources, local TV-watcher Aaron Cramblestein recently denounced Christian movies as the most "preachy" and "cringeworthy" type of entertainment, apparently oblivious to what Netflix has been offering lately.

The post 'Christian Movies Are Way Too Preachy!' Says Man Who Clearly Hasn't Watched A Netflix Show Recently appeared first on The Babylon Bee.

WASHINGTON, D.C.—The Biden Administration has committed to defeating Alzheimer's Disease through cutting-edge research. Unfortunately, the White House staff was thrown into turmoil today after Biden completely forgot who he placed in charge of it.

The post Oh No! Biden Can't Remember Who He Put In Charge Of Alzheimer's Research appeared first on The Babylon Bee.

EAST HANOVER, NJ—In a long-overdue move, Nabisco has announced they will be dropping the problematic "o" at the end of Oreo and rebranding under the more inclusive and gender-neutral term "OreX." 

The post Oreo Reveals New Genderless OreX Cookies appeared first on The Babylon Bee.

CHINO, CA—Local man Brad Zwygart says he no longer can form opinions of his own, as he always waits to see what major corporate brands have to say on any given issue before he decides what he believes.

The post Man Waits To Form Opinion On All Major Issues Until Corporate Brands Weigh In appeared first on The Babylon Bee.