PITTSBURGH, PA — According to several highly disturbing reports, a local man has repeatedly declined phone calls from his own mother, even though she's the person who gave him his very gift of life.

HUNTSVILLE, AL — According to sources, a local man who proudly displays a "Don't Tread On Me" flag dutifully filed his income taxes this year, quietly handing over 40% of his total income to the government he labels tyrannical and oppressive.

MARTHA'S VINEYARD — After posting a job listing to fill their vacant personal chef position, former President Barack Obama and his wife, Michelle, were disappointed to learn it had received zero applications.

U.S. — After years of denying the existence of his 7th grandchild, a 4-year-old girl named Navy, Biden has now announced he will be making it up to the youngster by making her the head of one of his Ukrainian shell companies.

SAN FRANCISCO, CA — Citizens braced themselves for yet another heavy crime surge this week after the city of San Francisco fined The Batman for putting a bright, obnoxious "Bat Signal" on the roof of a downtown building.

As the Bible says, none is righteous, no, not one — especially when it comes to what you do in your wife's dreams. She has legitimate reasons to be mad at you for it, so don't you dare act like you don't know what you did! The only thing you can do now is apologize, pray she forgives you, and learn to never do it again.

PITTSBURGH, PA — According to several highly disturbing reports, a local man has repeatedly declined phone calls from his own mother, even though she's the person who gave him his very gift of life.

HUNTSVILLE, AL — According to sources, a local man who proudly displays a "Don't Tread On Me" flag dutifully filed his income taxes this year, quietly handing over 40% of his total income to the government he labels tyrannical and oppressive.

MARTHA'S VINEYARD — After posting a job listing to fill their vacant personal chef position, former President Barack Obama and his wife, Michelle, were disappointed to learn it had received zero applications.

SALT LAKE CITY, UT — By all accounts a subpar Mormon, local man Bryce Smith was assigned to govern Pluto upon his sudden passing yesterday.