ATLANTA, GA—Discovery Church in Atlanta has come up with an innovative way to get the worship band onto the stage during the pastor's closing prayer: a teleporter.

The post Church Installs Transporter To Teleport Worship Band Onto Stage During Closing Prayer appeared first on The Babylon Bee.

The illegal immigration problem is about to get a whole lot worse.

The post Not Good: Mexicans Trying To Cross The US Border Illegally Just Acquired An Ice Dragon appeared first on The Babylon Bee.

U.S.—Leading Democrats made a rousing call for unity in a deeply divided nation last week, pledging to "speak no ill" of any candidate as long as that candidate was a Democrat. "It's time for this country to heal, join hands, and unify against the other half of the country," said Democratic senator Karen Whitfield from New Hampshire. "The only way to end the deep division the nation has faced is to commit yourself to not even questioning or having a single negative thought about anyone who calls themselves a Democrat."

The post Democrats Call Upon Nation To Unify Against Other Half Of Nation appeared first on The Babylon Bee.

WORLD—A new update issued by watchdog groups on climate change indicated this afternoon that we only have 12 seconds left until climate change destroys the planet.

The post Update: We Now Have Only 12 Seconds Left Until Climate Change Destroys The Planet appeared first on The Babylon Bee.

SUNNYVALE, CA—There's a hot new app in Silicon Valley: Diversafriend. The app allows you to choose from thousands of different friends of color, so you can make racist while assuring people it's OK because you have a non-white friend.

The post New App Helps You Find Token Friend Of Color appeared first on The Babylon Bee.

U.S.—After President Trump once again called attention to Democrats' support for the violent execution of both unborn and newborn babies, Democrats apologized and promised to do a better job of hiding their support for infanticide in the future.

The post Dems Promise To Do A Better Job Of Hiding Their Support For Infanticide In The Future appeared first on The Babylon Bee.

NEW YORK, NY—In a controversial move, Sports Illustrated has unveiled photos of its first ever Baptist swimsuit model, pictured in a floor-length denim skirt, modest collared blouse, and no makeup or jewelry whatsoever, other than her purity ring.

The post Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Issue Features First-Ever Baptist Model In Floor-Length Denim Skirt appeared first on The Babylon Bee.

U.S.—In a surprise update to Mortal Kombat 11 released to players on Monday, NetherRealm and Warner Bros. Interactive have introduced a brutal new fatality where your character just states an opposing viewpoint, and the opponent dies instantly.

The post 'Mortal Kombat' Introduces Brutal New Fatality Where Your Character Just States An Opposing Viewpoint appeared first on The Babylon Bee.

U.S.—Presidential candidate Beto O'Rourke has unveiled a $5 trillion plan to fight climate change. Foremost among the major changes the plan would enact is the replacement of all cars in the United States with skateboards.

The post Beto Unveils Plan To Replace All Cars With Skateboards By 2030 appeared first on The Babylon Bee.

NAZARETH—Archaeologists working near the ancient village of Nazareth confirmed Monday they have made a fascinating discovery: the blue confetti from baby Jesus's gender reveal party.

The post Archaeologists Discover Blue Confetti From Jesus's Gender Reveal Party appeared first on The Babylon Bee.