HOLLISTER, MO—In a casual discussion with a business associate while waiting for an appointment, local believer Jim Laurel mentioned that he had “chosen Jesus” over fifteen years ago, prompting Calvinist Peter Lance to jump out from behind a catalog display and begin to lecture him. It wasn’t immediately clear how long Lance had been waiting […]

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YONKERS, NY—Local man Kyle Peterson finally and miraculously awoke out of a year-long coma Thursday, stating he was excited to see how much humanity had accomplished since he hit his head riding his bike in October of last year. “I can’t wait to catch up on all my favorite actors, political pundits, and comedians,” he […]

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CAMBRIDGE, MA—Exciting new research coming out of Harvard Divinity School suggests that a good Christian film may be attainable within our lifetime. While previous estimates had suggested a good Christian movie was still centuries off, the optimistic new study indicates those living today may live long enough to see a quality faith-based film. “We’re projecting […]

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WEDDINGTON, NC—Amazon’s hunt for a new U.S. headquarters has come to an end, as the online retailer and technology giant announced Wednesday it has selected the home of Steven Furtick as its new base of operations. The deal is rumored to include a $350 million payout for the North Carolina pastor, who will allow Amazon […]

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HOUSTON, TX—According to sources within Joel Osteen’s Lakewood Church, attendees can now take advantage of a new service allowing them to check their Bibles at the door before entering the sanctuary for an uplifting message. “People who come here to watch Joel preach typically won’t need their Bibles,” a Lakewood spokesperson told reporters. “Most of […]

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U.S.—Stunned meteorologists reported Wednesday that the sea level has risen an astonishing 300 feet overnight, as the sweat from celebrities trying to cover up their sexual harassment scandals rained down “in buckets.” Vast swathes of the United States are now entirely underwater, including major coastal cities and regions, as the investigations into various celebrities and […]

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WASHINGTON, D.C.—Hot on the heels of yet another ballistic missile launch in North Korea, the Department of Defense recommended Tuesday that all citizens begin playing through a binge gaming maraton of the Fallout series of video games in order to prepare for life in the nuclear wastelands. Speaking on an emergency public broadcast video, Secretary […]

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WASHINGTON, D.C.—The U.S. Senate Select Committee on Ethics convened late Monday in order to begin an investigation into sexual misconduct allegations leveled at Senator Al Franken, as well as to discuss myriad other ongoing scandals taking place in American politics, with the committee being called to order at a Washington D.C. area Hooters Restaurant, sources […]

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LYNCHBURG, VA—Liberty University has announced its next set of Convocation speakers for the coming semester, and among several prominent athletes and political figures is the ancient, brooding cosmic entity known as Cthulhu, sources confirmed Tuesday. The horror from beyond time and space will address the student body, giving his remarks on living moral lives and […]

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ATLANTA, GA—In a revelation both shocking and not really all that surprising to some, Third Day lead singer Mac Powell has been exposed as actually having been Pearl Jam lead singer Eddie Vedder in disguise his entire career. The truth came out when Powell’s band member Mark Lee entered the dressing room unannounced, only to […]

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