DOVER, DE—While speculation has circled about President Biden checking his watch during the dignified transfer of fallen soldiers, sources in the administration have confirmed that in fact, he was only looking to see if he still had blood on his hands.

The post Report: Biden Wasn’t Checking Watch, Just Making Sure There Was No Blood Left On His Hands appeared first on The Babylon Bee.

SAN FRANCISCO, CA—During a rally in Nancy Pelosi's district today, several prominent Democrats called for more nationwide lockdowns to combat the new COVID variants. 

The post Democrats Say True Lockdowns Have Never Been Tried appeared first on The Babylon Bee.

WASHINGTON, D.C.—The nation's capital is in turmoil today after a White House aide accidentally pulled the large metal safety pin on Biden's back which was being used to hold his entire bodily structure together. 

The post Disaster After Someone Accidentally Pulls Safety Pin Keeping Biden's Body Together appeared first on The Babylon Bee.

KANDAHAR—Only a few short hours after the last plane left Afghanistan, Spirit Halloween has already taken up residence in deserted military bases throughout the country. 

The post Spirit Halloween Sets Up Shop In Abandoned U.S. Military Bases In Afghanistan appeared first on The Babylon Bee.

MEMPHIS, TN—According to sources, local first-time dad Mayton McDabb and his wife just had their first child, and McDabb is taking no chances with his brand-new baby. To make sure his precious cargo is safe at all times, he has purchased a surplus M1 Abrams war tank for the drive home from the hospital.

The post First-Time Father Buys M1 Abrams Tank To Safely Drive Newborn Home From Hospital appeared first on The Babylon Bee.

WASHINGTON, D.C.—The Secret Service is investigating what they’ve deemed a credible threat against President Joe Biden’s life. Yesterday, while Biden was out getting ice cream, a figure in a black cloak holding a scythe appeared and pointed a finger at Biden while saying, “Your time is near.”

The post Secret Service Investigating Credible Threat From The Grim Reaper appeared first on The Babylon Bee.

SILVER SPRING, MD—After some concern from the general public around the FDA's approval of the Pfizer vaccine, the FDA released a statement today confirming that the vaccine is perfectly safe and will not harm humans or viruses. 

The post FDA Says Pfizer Vaccine Is Harmless To Humans, COVID appeared first on The Babylon Bee.

WASHINGTON, D.C.—Press Secretary Jen Psaki spent today's briefing lauding the heroic, faultless clean-up efforts after President Joe Biden laid an enormous dookie in the middle of the White House lawn.

The post Psaki Praises ‘Flawless Cleanup Effort’ After Biden Poops On White House Lawn appeared first on The Babylon Bee.

The post Americans Finally Unified Against Common Foe appeared first on The Babylon Bee.

KABUL—With only one day remaining until the Taliban's deadline for American troops to leave Afghanistan, the Biden Administration deployed 22,000 troops back to the area after it was discovered they had left behind millions of precious life-saving COVID masks in warehouses across the country.

The post Biden Deploys Military Back To Afghanistan After Realizing They Left Behind Millions Of Masks appeared first on The Babylon Bee.