VATICAN CITY - Pelosi visited St. Peter's Basilica in Rome to receive communion this week, but left the entire city in an uproar after she drank all the wine and left no communion for anyone else.

WASHINGTON, D.C. - The walls are closing in on former President Trump. In an explosive bombshell unprecedented star witness testimony yesterday, Cassidy Hutchinson told everyone that she heard Mark Meadows say that a Secret Service agent's friend's cousin's husband once heard that one of Trump's other aides said she thinks she heard him say he wanted to "do an insurrection."

WASHINGTON, D.C. — Cassidy Hutchinson, a former assistant to Trump-era Chief of Staff Mark Meadows, testified Tuesday at the Jan 6 committee hearing that Trump cried out 'Witness me!' while jumping from the presidential limo to sacrifice himself in a fiery explosion that destroyed the Democrats' war rig.

SESAME STREET - The CDC has issued a lockdown advisory to the residents of Sesame Street after longtime roommates Bert and Ernie revealed they have both contracted Monkeypox.

WASHINGTON, D.C. — In a surprising 6-3 decision, the Supreme Court overturned all Matrix sequels, rendering them invalid. Warner Brothers will no longer be permitted to distribute The Matrix Reloaded, The Matrix Revolutions, and The Matrix Resurrections.

U.S. — In what dispenser experts are calling an "exciting step forward for waste and frustration," United Dispensers, LLC announced that this year's model will dispense either 50 napkins or 0 napkins with a millimeter of tearaway trash for increased irritation.

NEW YORK, NY — Ghislaine Maxwell, former co-conspirator of sex trafficker Jeffrey Epstein, was sentenced to 20 years in prison for her crimes, but the judge did express it was likely she would be killed early on good behavior.

NEW YORK, NY - Ghislaine Maxwell has been sentenced to 20 years in prison, in spite of her many years of faithful service to our nation's leaders.

U.S. — Singer-songwriter Pink took to Twitter following the landmark Supreme Court decision overturning Roe v. Wade, telling all pro-life fans to stop listening to her music. Millions have since joined the pro-life cause to avoid what they call "Pink's terrible music."

PUBLIC NOTICE: All women are required to report to Mike Pence to receive their standard-issue handmaid outfits by 5:00 PM EST today. Any woman who is not in line by 5:00 PM EST will be rounded up by Pence's Soldiers of the Patriarchy and transported to one of the country's 38 Handmaid Reeducation Hovels via cattle car.