CUPERTINO, CA — Apple CEO Tim Cook confirmed this morning that he's prepared to remove the Twitter app from the App Store but that he's waiting for orders from CCP President Xi before he makes a move.

WASHINGTON, D.C — Congress is set to come together and vote on the Respect For Giant Golden Statue Of Nebuchadnezzar Act, or the RFGGSON Act for short. Proponents of the said act claim that requiring nationwide respect for the golden image of the great King Nebuchadnezzar is as necessary as it is powerful and brave.

NEW YORK, NY — Balenciaga is facing a wave of online criticism after a MyPillow pillow was spotted in the background of one of the company's photo shoots for its winter collection. The CEO of MyPillow Mike Lindell is known for his strong support of Donald Trump.

SHANGHAI — According to sources, thousands of right-wing, anti-science extremists have converged in Shanghai to protest Chinese President Xi's common sense COVID restrictions.

What a year 2022 has been! We have so much to be thankful for at the Bee. The world may be a roiling cauldron of hellish insanity sliding into oblivion, but it's a funny roiling cauldron of hellish insanity sliding into oblivion! What a ride!

WESTON, MA — In a powerful statement on women's reproductive rights, a local family has added a Planned Parenthood location to their elaborate Christmas village display.

ANNAPOLIS, MD — A local man is celebrating after his bathroom scale confirmed he had met his ambitious fitness goal of gaining only 9 pounds over the Thanksgiving weekend.

BERKELEY, CA – Davis Patterson, a bystander during a shooting that left a dozen dead, has been arrested for misgendering the shooter, Blake Jacobson, who is non-binary. The arrest came after Patterson yelled ‘he's got a gun!' as he dove for cover under a hail of bullets.

BEIJING — This week, dozens of Chinese citizens died after the Chinese Communist Party welded their apartment doors shut and a fire broke out in the building, sparking protests. China has doubled down on its "Zero COVID" policy, however, and has tapped Michigan Governor Gretchen Whitmer to lead its COVID lockdown enforcement measures.

Everyone agrees soccer is boring and America needs to fix it, but how? Here are ten simple ways to make soccer interesting, since the rest of the planet apparently remains intent on making us watch it every four years.