KINGDOM OF GOD—Personal representatives of the Savior of the World reported Thursday He’ll no longer be standing at the door of men’s hearts and knocking, and instead will simply be using the new Amazon Key service to let Himself in at His leisure. Heavenly representatives stated that the new technological combination of an Amazon Cloud […]

. . . finish reading Lord Jesus No Longer Standing At Door And Knocking, Just Letting Self In With Amazon Key.

The gorgeous Thinline editions of the ESV translation of the Bible have become the new gold standard for comfort and fashion in personal copies of the Scriptures, with believers from all over ogling at their attractive shape and lean, skinny figures. But some are suggesting that the product is promoting an unrealistic standard of beauty […]

. . . finish reading Are ESV Thinline Editions Promoting Unrealistic Beauty Standards For Our Nation’s Bibles?.

While your carnal friends may think of October 31 as Halloween, you know it by its true name: Reformation Day! This year is a very special Reformation celebration, since it’s been 500 years since Martin Luther kicked things off by nailing a listicle to a church door in what would become the very first viral […]

. . . finish reading The Bee Explains: The Protestant Reformation.

TEXAS—After a high profile case in which the non-profit advocated for abortion rights for an illegal immigrant, the American Civil Liberties Union issued a clarification on its positions Wednesday, specifying that the organization is only in support of immigrants who survive the first nine months in their mothers’ womb. The clarification came as a result […]

. . . finish reading ACLU Clarifies It’s Only In Support Of Immigrants After They Leave Womb.

BOSTON, MA—Clad in his favorite Sunday Gadsden flag T-shirt, local libertarian believer John Revere reportedly screamed, “AM I BEING DETAINED!?!” to every person who attempted to shake his hand during the greeting time at Beech Reformed Church over the weekend. He bellowed the phrase at the top of his lungs to each of the fourteen […]

. . . finish reading Libertarian Screams “Am I Being Detained?!” At Everyone Who Shakes His Hand During Church Greeting Time.

LOS ANGELES, CA—Fox Sports has tapped Pastor John Piper to commentate the World Series, and fans gave rave reviews of his performance announcing the first game of the contest between the LA Dodgers and the Houston Astros Tuesday night. An animated Piper gave insightful commentary on the plays and criticized both the players and crowd […]

. . . finish reading John Piper Commentates World Series.

Brought to you by  CLEVELAND, OH—According to music scholars, lyrics for the hit song “Thunderstruck'” by rock supergroup AC/DC were taken from a poem written by Martin Luther in 1505, sources confirmed Wednesday. Researchers discovered the poem while looking through band memorabilia at the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame. A faded copy was found […]

. . . finish reading Scholars: AC/DC Song ‘Thunderstruck’ Based On Original Poem By Martin Luther.

NASHVILLE, TN—Local Trump supporter John Creighton reported Tuesday he is suddenly outraged by the concept of the sexual mistreatment of women, his newfound passion on the subject coinciding with the outing of liberal activist Harvey Weinstein as a serial sexual predator. Creighton rose to defend then-presidential candidate Donald Trump when evidence of disgusting comments about […]

. . . finish reading Trump Supporter Outraged By Sexual Immorality Of Hollywood.

U.S.—The nation was given a mandatory lecture on proper etiquette and community standards by Mark Zuckerberg Tuesday. The speech, which spelled out what is acceptable speech and what is unacceptable speech, was broadcast on the telescreens installed in every home and larger ones strategically placed on various buildings throughout each American city. Zuckerberg pointed out […]

. . . finish reading Mark Zuckerberg Gives Mandatory Lecture On Community Standards From Nation’s Telescreens.

STEPHENVILLE, TX—Reminding him that it was the third time he’s done it, the wife of local Protestant Steve Carey asked him Tuesday to please stop nailing the grocery list to the front door of their home, sources confirmed. “Seriously, babe, why can’t you just stick it on the fridge with a magnet like a normal […]

. . . finish reading Wife Of Protestant Asks Him To Please Stop Nailing Grocery List To Front Door.