NEW YORK, NY—Fox News executives have stood by their controversial decision to print the words of Donald Trump in red in all news stories and editorials posted to the company's website.

The post Fox News Defends Decision To Print Words Of Trump In Red appeared first on The Babylon Bee.

PHOENIX, AZ—Moved to compassion by the pitiable sight of a homeless man asking for food on the side of the road, local Christian man Paul Coulson prayed the light would turn green so he could quickly drive past without helping the man at all.

The post Moved By Sight Of Homeless Man Asking For Food, Local Christian Prays Light Would Turn Green appeared first on The Babylon Bee.

PORTLAND, OR—This morning, local liberal woman Meagan Porter jumped up from a terrible nightmare in which Trump was cleared of Russian collusion charges by Robert Mueller, Michael Avenatti was arrested for fraud and extortion, and the Green New Deal was overwhelmingly shot down in the Senate all in just a couple of days.

The post Liberal Jumps Up From Nightmare In Which Trump Exonerated, Avenatti Arrested, Green New Deal Shot Down appeared first on The Babylon Bee.

NEW YORK, NY—After Rachel Maddow had to be airlifted to a nearby hospital for a panic attack as Trump was exonerated by the Mueller report earlier this week, MSNBC executives began looking for a replacement commentator. They considered lots of suitable replacements, from Antifa protestors to a water cooler.

The post MSNBC Hires Chicken Little As Commentator For Remainder Of Trump’s Term appeared first on The Babylon Bee.

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The post Entertainment Venue Still Pretending To Be A Church appeared first on The Babylon Bee.

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The post Entertainment Venue Still Successfully Disguised As Church appeared first on The Babylon Bee.

CAIR PARAVEL—An official investigation into possible collusion between Edmund Pevensie, now King Edmund of Narnia, and the White Witch was launched this week.

The post Investigation Launched Into Possible Collusion Between Edmund And The White Witch appeared first on The Babylon Bee.

U.S.—According to reports, more and more states are advocating for mandatory classes on obscure Star Wars trivia.

The post More States Pushing For Mandatory Public School Classes On Obscure Star Wars Trivia appeared first on The Babylon Bee.

ATLANTA, GA—CNN has given a special award to the clock hanging in one of its studios, naming it the news station’s most accurate reporter. The clock, which has been stuck showing the time to be 1:11 for the past three years, was found to surpass every other CNN reporter in how often it got the news exactly right.

The post Stopped Clock Named CNN's Most Accurate Reporter appeared first on The Babylon Bee.

WASHINGTON, D.C.—After voting down the Green New Deal in the Senate today, Republican lawmakers were accused of colluding with reality to ensure the bill did not pass.

The post Republicans Accused Of Colluding With Reality To Defeat Green New Deal appeared first on The Babylon Bee.