WASHINGTON, D.C.—After the Mueller investigation revealed that Trump was the one telling the truth all along, a massive black hole began forming near the universe's center, scientists confirmed Tuesday.

The post Universe Begins Collapsing In On Itself After Revelation Trump Was The One Telling The Truth All Along appeared first on The Babylon Bee.

PHILADELPHIA, PA—Local Christian man Philip Cassatt reported Tuesday that he was pleased to learn that a publisher had finally collected famed quote-maker C.S. Lewis's most well-known quotes into a single volume.

The post Local Man Excited To Discover Hundreds Of Inspirational CS Lewis Quotes Now Available In Book Form appeared first on The Babylon Bee.

WASHINGTON, D.C.—President Donald Trump has been denying for years now that he colluded with the Russians during the 2016 presidential election, and the Mueller report released Friday vindicated him. Reportedly, Trump has finally satiated his curiosity about what he was denying by putting “what is a collusion” into the Google search engine.

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CUPERTINO, CA—In what was arguably the highlight of Apple's product event in Cupertino yesterday, the company unveiled its new single-use Lightning cables.

The post Apple Seeks To Increase Revenue With New Single-Use Lightning Cables appeared first on The Babylon Bee.

CHICAGO, IL—All charges against Jussie Smollett for faking a hate crime against himself have been dropped after the Empire actor and well-respected employer of Nigerians used the "I have a lot of money" defense in court.

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WASHINGTON, D.C.—In a closed meeting Tuesday, the Democratic caucus briefly considered investigating ways to beat Trump in an election, sources familiar with the meeting said.

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CUPERTINO, CA—VeggieTales co-star and up-and-coming app mogul Larry the Cucumber announced Monday he is releasing a new app to help you locate your missing hairbrush.

The post Larry The Cucumber Unveils App That Locates Your Missing Hairbrush appeared first on The Babylon Bee.

TOLEDO, OH—A beloved character from the hit Christian animated series VeggieTales, announced Monday that he has been diagnosed with E. coli. Called "Frankencelery" after his most iconic role by his adoring fans, the vegetable revealed the E. coli had advanced to his stalk.

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U.S.—Conservative evangelicals across the country confirmed Monday they were relieved that after the Mueller Report seemingly cleared President Trump of any Russian collusion over the weekend, they now have a president who only paid off porn stars and supermodels to cover up his marital infidelity.

The post Evangelicals Relieved Their President Now Only Guilty Of Paying Off Porn Stars, Models appeared first on The Babylon Bee.

WASHINGTON, D.C.—After a two-year-long investigation that included thousands of indictments, hundreds of search warrants, and several guilty pleas, Robert Mueller and the FBI managed to provide conclusive proof that Hillary Clinton was actually just a terrible candidate, sources confirmed Monday.

The post Mueller Investigation Concludes Hillary Clinton Was Actually Just A Terrible Candidate appeared first on The Babylon Bee.