OKLAHOMA CITY, OK—In a move to capture the rapidly burgeoning market for nailing barn wood to perfectly good interior walls, Hobby Lobby has released a new line of shiplap anointed by Chip and Joanna Gaines, the company confirmed Wednesday. “The Gaineses personally pray over and anoint with oil each and every piece of shiplap you […]

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BRUNSWICK, ME—Preaching the Word of God is incredibly rewarding, but it can also be a health hazard. While attempting to “unpack” Colossians 3:16-17 Sunday morning, pastor Tim Lauderdale pulled a back muscle, causing severe pain and rendering him unable to continue his preaching duties for the morning. After opening his Bible to the text, the […]

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PALMETTO, FL—If you’re looking for an exciting multi-level-marketing business to join in order to make a little extra cash and show your friends what an awesome boss babe you are, look no further. While many MLM businesses struggle to come up with an interesting or useful product for their independent sales managers to sell in […]

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The book to end all books, How to Be a Perfect Christian by The Babylon Bee, is out in ONE WEEK. That means ONE WEEK until your life is changed forever. You can read the first chapter for free right here. Preorder this paradigm-shattering textual journey from any of the following retailers: Amazon Barnes & Noble […]

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LONDON—Upon the news of a high court ordering life support removed from 2-year-old Alfie Evans, English Prime Minister Theresa May issued a brief, friendly reminder to citizens of the U.K. that the all-powerful state actually owns their children. In a video circulated online, May informed parents who were “getting a little too attached” to their […]

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**Checks watch** Do you know what time it is? It’s time for a new Avengers movie: Infinity War! The massive crossover film is one of the most anticipated of the year, and so of course, Disney and Marvel asked the internet’s most trusted news source, The Babylon Bee, to drop the first review. While there […]

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TEMECULA, CA—According to sources close to local man Gary Friar, the man began drumming on his steering wheel along with “Oceans” while sitting in morning traffic, and was immediately asked to join the worship band. An adjacent commuter noticed his talent and phoned up a local megachurch, tipping them off to the rising worship star. […]

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U.S.—The entire nation repented and trusted in Christ as their savior Monday after hearing a new single released by pop superstar Nicki Minaj, sources across the country confirmed. Citing the release of yet another X-rated Minaj track as their motivation to seek someone to save them from their sins, seekers poured into the nation’s churches […]

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U.S.—After revered men’s fashion magazine GQ published an article claiming the Bible was overrated, the nation began patiently waiting for the publication to claim the same for the Koran or other religious texts, sources confirmed Monday. Upon learning of the mag’s recent criticism of the Bible, the nation collectively refreshed GQ’s website and scanned for […]

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U.S.—The results of an extensive Gallup poll were released Friday afternoon confirming that if President Donald Trump were discovered to be the Antichrist described in the Bible, his support among American evangelicals would not be negatively affected. The study even indicated that evangelical support for Trump would go up in certain states if he were […]

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