WASHINGTON, D.C.—President Trump signed a controversial executive order this morning banning couples from posting mushy, sappy public posts on each other's Facebook walls.

The post Trump Signs Executive Order Banning Public Displays Of Affection On Social Media appeared first on The Babylon Bee.

SAN FRANCISCO, CA—Twitter has appointed a new head of fact-checking that will verify all the information the president tweets. In order to make sure the fact-checker was fair and balanced, the social network hired a recent French immigrant with no political bias, Ms. Hilareaux L'Clintoneux.

The post Twitter Hires French Immigrant Hilareaux L'Clintoneux To Fact-Check Trump's Tweets appeared first on The Babylon Bee.

CAPE CANAVERAL, FL—It was supposed to be a historic launch Wednesday, with America once again putting men into space, but the launch had to be scrubbed as Kennedy Space Center’s neighbor, Karen, called the cops on the operation.

The post SpaceX Launch Scrubbed After Local Karen Calls The Cops appeared first on The Babylon Bee.

WASHINGTON, D.C.—After a dispute with Twitter over fact-checking his tweets, President Trump announced this morning that he would be deleting his Twitter account and moving to Myspace.

The post Trump Announces He's Leaving Twitter For Myspace appeared first on The Babylon Bee.

KENTON, WA—A gunman was released from police custody on Thursday after it was determined by experts that the people he had shot were victims of COVID-19 and not his psychotic bloodlust-induced blind-firing rage-spree death-binge through downtown Kenton last week with three AR-15's, seventeen uzis, and one bazooka and zero clothes on. "Our apologies," said officers as they unlocked the man's cuffs and let him walk free, snickering and shaking like a lunatic with drool hanging from his chin.

The post Shooter Released After Authorities Determine All Victims Died Of COVID appeared first on The Babylon Bee.

MICHIGAN—Governor Gretchen Whitmer was in for a big surprise this morning when she woke up and found her armies surrounded by Donald Trump and a special forces squad that had rowed across the Great Lakes in the middle of the night to take her by surprise. 

The post Trump Rows Across Great Lakes In Surprise Attack To Liberate Michigan appeared first on The Babylon Bee.

WORLD—Defying numerous national, state, and local governments around the world, the Bible has continued to declare that churches are essential.

The post Bible Declares Churches Essential appeared first on The Babylon Bee.

NEW YORK, NY—Time's Person of the Year issue has highlighted some of the world's most influential, important, and controversial figures for almost 100 years. After weeks of intense internal deliberation, Time Magazine has officially announced its Person of the Year: Karen. 

The post TIME Names Karen Person Of The Year appeared first on The Babylon Bee.

WASHINGTON, D.C.—Americans were struck by President Trump’s dedication when they saw him out playing golf over Memorial Day weekend, Trump having challenged the novel coronavirus to a game of golf. And the stakes were high: The agreement was that if Trump won, the coronavirus would have to leave America for good and let Americans get back to work, but if the coronavirus won, it would get to infect Trump himself.

The post Trump Defeats Coronavirus In Game Of Golf appeared first on The Babylon Bee.

U.S.—The nation that once revolted over minor taxes on tea and stamps is now "pretty cool" with state and local governments locking everyone in their homes and robbing them of their livelihood indefinitely.

The post Nation That Revolted Over Three-Pence Tax On Tea Now 'Pretty Cool' With Government Locking Everyone In Their Homes appeared first on The Babylon Bee.