PORTLAND, OR—Local progressive woman Willow Xanderson has marked herself safe from feeling any kind of gratitude, thankfulness, or recognition that all good things in her life come from objective sources of goodness outside herself, sources confirmed.

The post Progressive Marks Herself Safe From Feelings Of Gratitude This Year appeared first on The Babylon Bee.

WILMINGTON, DE—During his moving Thanksgiving address yesterday, Joe Biden quoted his favorite verse from the book of Trunalimunumapzure.

The post In Thanksgiving Address, Biden Quotes From Gospel Of Trunalimunumaprzure appeared first on The Babylon Bee.

1. Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez. So much material.

The post 21 Things We At The Babylon Bee Are Thankful For This Year appeared first on The Babylon Bee.

SAN BRUNO, CA—To combat harmful online material during the pandemic, YouTube will be removing any cooking videos that show you how to cook for more than 6 people. They have also stated that any channels that continue to post videos of large family-style meals with instructions for how to cook them will be permanently suspended from the platform.

The post YouTube Removes All Cooking Videos Featuring Recipes That Serve More Than 6 appeared first on The Babylon Bee.

NETHERLANDS—In order to help families comply with social distancing guidelines during the pandemic, Ikea has released a massive new dining room table. Called the "Dumt Långbord," which is Swedish for "stupid long table," the massive piece of furniture will be 100 feet long and seat 6 people. 

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ONTARIO—After distraught staffers at Penguin Random House Canada complained about the publication of Jordan Peterson's new book Beyond Order: 12 More Rules For Life, the publishing company quickly solved the problem by forcing the crying employees to read Jordan Peterson's book. According to sources, employees have been completely cured of their whining, self-destructive victimhood.

The post Staffers Crying Over Jordan Peterson Book Cured By Forcing Them To Read Jordan Peterson Book appeared first on The Babylon Bee.

U.S.—Democrat experts are warning the public to avoid excess amounts of thankfulness this year after studies showed that feelings of gratefulness often lead to conservatism.  

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LOS ANGELES, CA—LeBron James announced today that he doesn't really care what the CDC recommends, he's still going to travel this year. 

The post LeBron James Says He's Still Going To Travel This Year Despite CDC Guidelines appeared first on The Babylon Bee.

U.S.—Democrats are very thankful for Never Trumpers, brave conservatives who fought against Trump his entire administration. They are so grateful that they are rewarding the leaders of the Never Trump movement with access to a special VIP section of the gulags they are building.

The post Never Trumpers To Be Granted Special VIP Section Of Gulags When Dems Take Over appeared first on The Babylon Bee.

SACRAMENTO, CA—California governor Gavin Newsom is especially concerned that the holiday season could lead to people coming together in joy and brotherly love -- i.e., superspreader events. To fight this, Newsom has enacted a number of strict rules for the holidays and has now gone the extra step of sending police door to door to arrest anyone showing clear signs of violating the law, namely anyone not depressed and alone.

The post Governor Newsom Orders Police To Go Door To Door Arresting Anyone Not Depressed And Alone appeared first on The Babylon Bee.